Policies Of My Administration: The Chicken Dance

I love music. Dancing is pretty good too, if someone else is doing it. When I take over running the world, my administration will support music, dance and all the arts.

Doing the "chicken dance" at the Bal...

Doing the “chicken dance” at the Ballard Seafood Fest. Every stinking one of them should go to jail. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Generally, my administration will support the arts without regard to my opinion of them. I don’t like rap music, but I see that some people do. I don’t enjoy ballet, other people love it. I’ll support both rap and ballet, despite my distaste for both.

But when I say generally, smart Blurt readers (as if there were another kind) realize that there is at least one exception to my support of the arts.

Here is the exception: no institution that is involved in a performance of the Chicken Dance will get any support from my administration.  Anyone who performs the Chicken Dance, plays the music for it upon any instrument or plays a recording of it will go to jail.

For Educational Purposes Only

Some of you may not know of the Chicken Dance. I think if you have been to a professional sporting event in the United States during  last ten years you’ve been traumatized by this misery. In the event that you are not familiar with this piece of crap, here is a video of it being performed on the Lawrence Welk show.

The fact that it was performed on the Lawrence Welk show should tell you something about how cool this dance is not.

I Can Do That Kind Of Time Standing On My Head

Some will read this and say “I’m not letting Oma interfere with my expression of joy through dance. How long could he lock me up for anyhow?”

How long? Forever. Perhaps that’s long enough to make you think about how important doing the Chicken Dance is to you. I recommend doing the math on this question: Is getting your five seconds of fame by doing the Chicken Dance on the jumbo-tron at the hockey game worth spending the rest of your days in prison?

In fact, let me clarify forever for you. When people get two or three life sentences, that doesn’t mean that they die in prison and then stay there whatever double their life span was. After these people pass away, the state sends their remains back to their family so they can bury him under a tombstone that says something like “Bob Smith, Beloved Psycho Killer. 1958-2013”

When you do the forbidden dance and I have you imprisoned forever, that means that you will never again breathe air that hasn’t passed between the bars of your cell window. After you are dead, you’ll be buried in my prison bone yard for chicken dancers. I will call it “The Plot Of Shame”. Your loved ones will long for the closure of bringing you back to inter you in the family plot. They will have no closure. Maybe they should have thought about that before they raised you to be a chicken dancer.

Harsh? Yeah.

Chicken Dance

This is why we need a policy on this stupid dance. (Photo credit: Joe Shlabotnik)

I’m sure that those of you who’ve been reading these policies for a while have concluded I will rule the world with wisdom and benevolence. Any reasonable person would. The severity of my Chicken Dance Policy might come as a shock to  some of you.

I’d urge you to be comforted, not concerned, by this announcement. People bright enough to read and subscribe to Blurt would never do a Chicken Dance. The severe penalties that are part of this policy will protect those of us who would never consider doing the forbidden dance from those who get excited about the chance to do it.

People who love The Chicken Dance are not like the rest of us. They value the opportunity to look foolish in unison with others of their kind. They want to spread their ways to children – your sons, daughters, nieces, nephews and grandchildren. There is nothing to stop them…except my administration.

My administration will not fail you.

All my policies are right here. You should review them in preparation for when I take over the world.


30 Comments on “Policies Of My Administration: The Chicken Dance”

  1. 1jaded1 says:

    I’ll vote for you. I survived 15 years before being introduced to that monstrosity. I watched in horror as my French teacher demonstrated the moves, and I wondered wtf does this have to do with French? I remember thinking that chickens everywhere should be mortified.

  2. I too will vote for you. When Mr. Weebles and I were planning our wedding, I really didn’t care much about what the reception involved, other than THERE WOULD BE NO CHICKEN DANCE.

  3. Z.N. Singer says:

    I was at a wedding where they did it. That was how I first met it. My opinion was more or less in line with yours.

    Outlaw it. You were right that no one who reads this would be less than thrilled.

    • omawarisan says:

      I’m glad you immediately recognized it as the abomination that it is.

      Obviously, this wasn’t Madame Weebles’ wedding. She took care of this problem in advance. I hope you’ll join me in asking before RSVP’ing to future weddings “will the chicken dance be performed?”

      • znsinger says:

        I’m tempted. I’d been having a pretty good time right up until that music started and all the guests seemingly lost their marbles. I was just sort of staring at these adults that I’d formerly presumed to be sane, intelligent people and going ‘how on earth did you hide these tendencies from the public?’

  4. Betty says:

    I had no idea it went as far back as the Lawrence Welk Show – that means we’re talking the 60s, right? I first met the chicken dance at Club Med Guadeloupe in 1984. And that’s not the type of music and dance I was into at that time.

    • omawarisan says:

      (insert sound of record scratch here) OK, waaait a minute here. You just fall by and toss out Club Med Guadaloupe in 1984 and expect that I’m going to focus on you not liking the chicken dance?!?

      Sure, I can do that. It sucks, everywhere.

      • Betty says:

        Ohhh, no, actually there was a thought that connected in my brain but I neglected to transfer through comment… Someone else mentioned France, immediately I thought yes, club med/French origins. Curses to the French for inflicting the chicken dance on civilization.

  5. tundrawoman says:

    There’s an old tree stump out back. Next to where the old chicken house was.
    If you’d like, I’ll bring me and my hatchet out of retirement…

  6. List of X says:

    I am against Chicken dance, but I have no problem with it as long as it is performed by consenting adults in the privacy of their own home.

  7. Oma, will your policy have a compassionate exemption clause? My husband not only performs the Chicken Dance, but he does so in traditional German folk attire….it’s a long story.

  8. Debbie says:

    I first met this abomination at a wedding I attended and I thought then that it was indescribably boorish. You’ve got my vote! Any sane person would agree, outlaw the Chicken Dance. Why, I suspect even chickens would be embarrassed by it!

  9. Of all the animals we could base a dance on, why the chicken? And why does the chicken get to cross the road in jokes? And that saying about the chicken or the egg coming first…. Our society seems a little chicken obsessed, and I’m glad you’re addressing it.

  10. This may be the next confession to come out of the Mayor of Toronto’s mouth. “I have done the chicken dance. I have done the chicken dance in the past two years. I was ridiculously drunk when I did the chicken dance.”
    I wish I could figure out how I could get you to run for Mayor of Toronto.

  11. Lizi says:

    But weddings NEED the chicken dance. It’s a tradition, like the drunk bridesmaid’s toast and the florist who brings the wrong shade of roses that *gasp* clash with the color scheme.

    On second thought, some traditions were meant to be discarded. I’ll vote for you.

  12. By outlawing the Chicken Dance, you have inadvertently made it the new “forbidden dance”. This leaves the lambada in an awkward position indeed.

  13. Pie says:

    OMG! It’s the birdy song!

    This has been assaulting the senses and sensibilities of UK citizens since the 80s, at every party and every bloody wedding. And it’s still going strong. Every time the music comes on, I rush to the bar for a shot of vodka to take the edge off. Some people get less for murder. If you could stretch your policy to this side of the Atlantic, Oma, I’d vote for you.

  14. […] never occurred to me to run for Mayor until it was suggested by a reader. Once it was suggested, I felt morally obligated to throw my hat in the ring. No, it’s OK, […]

  15. mariahstokes says:

    This is the best thing I’ve read all day 🙂

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