Policies Of My Administration: The Chicken DancePosted: November 13, 2013
I love music. Dancing is pretty good too, if someone else is doing it. When I take over running the world, my administration will support music, dance and all the arts.
Generally, my administration will support the arts without regard to my opinion of them. I don’t like rap music, but I see that some people do. I don’t enjoy ballet, other people love it. I’ll support both rap and ballet, despite my distaste for both.
But when I say generally, smart Blurt readers (as if there were another kind) realize that there is at least one exception to my support of the arts.
Here is the exception: no institution that is involved in a performance of the Chicken Dance will get any support from my administration. Anyone who performs the Chicken Dance, plays the music for it upon any instrument or plays a recording of it will go to jail.
For Educational Purposes Only
Some of you may not know of the Chicken Dance. I think if you have been to a professional sporting event in the United States during last ten years you’ve been traumatized by this misery. In the event that you are not familiar with this piece of crap, here is a video of it being performed on the Lawrence Welk show.
The fact that it was performed on the Lawrence Welk show should tell you something about how cool this dance is not.
I Can Do That Kind Of Time Standing On My Head
Some will read this and say “I’m not letting Oma interfere with my expression of joy through dance. How long could he lock me up for anyhow?”
How long? Forever. Perhaps that’s long enough to make you think about how important doing the Chicken Dance is to you. I recommend doing the math on this question: Is getting your five seconds of fame by doing the Chicken Dance on the jumbo-tron at the hockey game worth spending the rest of your days in prison?
In fact, let me clarify forever for you. When people get two or three life sentences, that doesn’t mean that they die in prison and then stay there whatever double their life span was. After these people pass away, the state sends their remains back to their family so they can bury him under a tombstone that says something like “Bob Smith, Beloved Psycho Killer. 1958-2013”
When you do the forbidden dance and I have you imprisoned forever, that means that you will never again breathe air that hasn’t passed between the bars of your cell window. After you are dead, you’ll be buried in my prison bone yard for chicken dancers. I will call it “The Plot Of Shame”. Your loved ones will long for the closure of bringing you back to inter you in the family plot. They will have no closure. Maybe they should have thought about that before they raised you to be a chicken dancer.
I’m sure that those of you who’ve been reading these policies for a while have concluded I will rule the world with wisdom and benevolence. Any reasonable person would. The severity of my Chicken Dance Policy might come as a shock to some of you.
I’d urge you to be comforted, not concerned, by this announcement. People bright enough to read and subscribe to Blurt would never do a Chicken Dance. The severe penalties that are part of this policy will protect those of us who would never consider doing the forbidden dance from those who get excited about the chance to do it.
People who love The Chicken Dance are not like the rest of us. They value the opportunity to look foolish in unison with others of their kind. They want to spread their ways to children – your sons, daughters, nieces, nephews and grandchildren. There is nothing to stop them…except my administration.
My administration will not fail you.
All my policies are right here. You should review them in preparation for when I take over the world.