I Am A Candidate For Mayor Of Toronto

Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto, greeting a nun at ...

“Every girl crazy ’bout a sharp dressed man” – ZZ Top(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m not a fan of politicians. No matter what end of the spectrum they purport to represent, in the end, they represent the people who paid to get them elected. They represent those who contributed in proportion to the amount paid.

A few years ago I dipped my toe in politics. Some of you may remember that I ran for president against Donald Trump. I announced my candidacy. A few weeks later, the Trump campaign went into a tail spin. A week later, I drove him out of the race. In just over a month, I vanquished one of the richest men in the United States.

Today, I come before you to announce that I am a candidate for the office of Mayor of Toronto, Canada.

We all know that fine city is currently being run by a Mayor who is short on sense, but has plenty of vices. Mayor Rob Ford has admitted that he has smoked crack, but claims he is not addicted to it. Yeah. He’s the one human on the planet who hasn’t become addicted after smoking crack.

There’s also talk of sexual harassment, physical attacks, drunk driving and prostitution. Just in the past few days he’s made some unfortunate sexual references and bowled over an elderly woman. Surprisingly, those last two were not in the same incident.

He’s got to go.

Dispensing With A Technicality

I’m certain that my lack of Canadian citizenship is the first issue that came to mind for many of you. That could be a deal killer. But before we throw me out of the race prematurely, let me argue that my opponent, Mr. Ford, is not much of a Canadian citizen either.

Being a citizen of any nation implies a certain level of pride in that nation. Ford, was born in Canada, but his actions and his refusal to step aside in favor of someone unencumbered by a drug problem indicates to me that he takes no pride in his city or his nation. He would prefer making a laughing-stock of Toronto to doing the right thing by that proud city.

I’ve never been to Toronto. I do know all the words to Oh, Canada. I also remember fondly Joe Carter’s home run that brought the 1993 World Series trophy to Toronto. Perhaps my opponent remembers that too, when he isn’t busy scoring a rock to smoke.

Remembering a baseball game and an anthem aren’t usually qualifiers to run a large city, nor gain citizenship. However, Mr. Ford’s behavior implies that he is not a good citizen and thus not at all a citizen. So I feel as entitled to the office of Mayor of Toronto as he is.

On With The Campaign

It never occurred to me to run for Mayor until it was suggested by a reader. Once it was suggested, I felt morally obligated to throw my hat in the ring. No, it’s OK, don’t worry about the hat. I have others.

So what are my qualifications? Well, to start, I worked in city government for twenty-eight years. I held many supervisory positions and managed budgets. I’m retired now, so all that experience is available to someplace that needs it, like Toronto.

Once, I pretended to be a Canadian. I don’t think it is cool to pretend like you’re from another country. In my defense, I’d had a good bit to drink and someone else started it. Does that sound a little like Mayor Ford? “I was drinking, it wasn’t my fault”? Yeah, it does, but I didn’t smoke crack.

So I’m running for Mayor of Toronto. I’m going to keep running until Mayor Ford gives up his position to a decent human being or I beat him in the 2014 election. I drove Trump out of the US Presidential race, I will strike enough fear into Ford to drive him from office.

If the Mayor doesn’t step down and forces me to defeat him in an election, I will immediately resign the office in favor of an true Canadian.

23 Comments on “I Am A Candidate For Mayor Of Toronto”

  1. shoutabyss says:

    You crack me up! 🙂 But, what are the policies of your administration? Tell us more about that! 🙂

    • omawarisan says:

      You know, I should do a series. I could call it the Policies Of My Administration. But I’d make it about more than Toronto; it would be about when I take over the world. Yeah.

    • knace says:

      Yes! Please tell us! I’m wondering how your previous statements concerning The Chicken Dance will go over with the Toronto electorate. Also, are you a Hurricanes fan? That could be a potential issue. Forget sexual harassment and little old ladies. Hockey is serious business.

      • omawarisan says:

        I grew up near D.C,, so I’ll always love the Capitals. Been to a few Hurricanes games though.

        The chicken dance, and all my other policies, are for when I take over the world. That said, I can’t imagine a place like Toronto would be upset with the forbidden dance being forbidden.

  2. Debbie says:

    If I were Canadian (or Toronto-ian?), I’d surely vote for you. That poor present mayor is in a heap of trouble. I saw him bowl over that old lady (I think the announcer said she was a member of the city council). He just bowled her over. Yes, he’s got brawn but apparently that didn’t come with brains!

  3. Betty says:

    The phrase Hot Mess is often tossed around too lightly. But it truly fits this guy. Who votes for people like that?

  4. Todd says:

    I don’t know, Oma. Mayor Ford might be the best elected official ever. His excuse for smoking crack and threatening to kill someone is that he was extremely drunk at the time. Unlike most politicians, he tells the truth (eventually) and can’t be blackmailed. You know how in movies, there’s always some politician who goes, “If word of this gets out, I’ll be ruined!” Mayor Ford will never say that.

  5. If you become a Canadian official, can you still be a US President? Is that a conflict of interest?

  6. tundrawoman says:

    Oma, Don’t forget to mention your hockey skills: Canadians are all about a good puck.

    • omawarisan says:

      Really, the only hockey related skill I have is that I learned Oh, Canada while I was working as an usher at Washington Capitals games while I was in college. Ice and I don’t get along once it goes beyond the confines of a red solo cup.

  7. Dan Hennessy says:

    You may need an advisor . You say ” a good bit of drink ” , but I believe Ford said ” While in a drunken stupor ” as his excuse . You might need to sharpen up your rhetoric . In true politician style , you might hire Ford at a high salary as your advisor .

  8. Blogdramedy says:

    So glad I no longer own a Ford.

  9. I remember that Joe Carter homer too. I’m a Yankee fan (but I’m still a nice person, don’t judge) but I remember that series well. My Mets fans friends were so happy to see the Phils lose.

    I will heartily endorse you for mayor of Toronto. Rob Ford is a train wreck and he has a really punchable face. He needs to go. His arrogance is beyond belief. I wish the people of Toronto would get out the torches and pitchforks and oust his sorry ass. (But they’re Canadian, so they’re too polite for that.)

    Let me know if you need me to put up flyers or anything, I am at your service.

  10. I’m also endorse you, Yes, you have my vote. You must think about your strategy…Just push the guy out of the way and then punch him in the face! That should do it. He won’t know what hit him.

  11. 1jaded1 says:

    Living in Detroit, we crossed the border every weekend. One of the border guards knew us by sight. When it came to hockey, Detroit, all the way.

    I’ll vote for you when you take over the world. Wait, taking over implies a coup or something like that.

  12. I don’t know how I missed this!!! I asked. You answered. You definitely get my vote. We will find a way to make you an honorary Canadian. I thank you. Canada thanks you and all of Toronto thanks you.

  13. A. van Nerel says:

    This is coming from someone who didn’t grow up in Canada, but I was born in Toronto and it’s one of my favorite cities. You’d have my vote…and at risk of making you feel uncomfortable: if you need Canadian citizenship, I’d seriously consider marrying you in aid of that:P (as long we agree to see Canadians on the side;))

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