Why I No Longer Believe In Evolution

Yeah, whatever. (CC by SA 3.0 José-manuel Benitos)

In the past, I’ve taken issue with people who ignore the truths that science proves for us. I’ve thought them naïve at best. At worst, I’ve felt some of them could be accused of putting their own interests above the greater good and ignoring the consequences of their actions upon future generations.

Today, I am renouncing my previous position. I think if people want to put their head in the sand about a scientific fact, we should allow them to bury their heads as deep as they’d like. Don’t want to believe in global warming? Go on and do that; see if I care. I think you’ll find I don’t.

What would make me change my mind like that? Well, because today I saw something that I don’t want to believe. If the video I saw today is true, and if I believe in evolution, the future is too scary to contemplate. As a result, I am no longer believing in science and evolution.

Allow me to explain.

If A Fish Can Do This…

As I skimmed through the news on the web this morning, I came across an interesting story. It seemed to indicate that there was a fish in Africa which is capable of leaping from the water and capturing a bird in flight.

Apparently there had been a rumor that the African Trigger Fish could jump out of the water and capture a bird. I don’t know where such rumors get started or who spreads rumors about fish. I’ve engaged in gossip from time to time, but it never concerned how fish went about the business of being fish.

It appears that scientists captured video that proves the rumor. I should amend that. If you believe those college-educated, egg-headed, elite scientist types, you might be weak enough to believe this proves the rumor:

Yeah, scary, if you believe in science or you are an African bird.

…Then This Is Just A Matter Of Time.

So if evolution is true (which it isn’t, because I say so), fish will get better and better at grabbing swift moving things from the air. The fish who aren’t so advanced will die out and the ones who are will strengthen the gene pool of the species.

Ha. Gene pool. As if such a thing existed. It doesn’t, because I don’t want it to, because it scares me.

If evolution and genes and such really existed, and we factor in that science claims fish are already jumping out of the water at flying stuff, how long would it take for this scene from the film Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus to become reality?

That’s right, not very long. Not very long until you could find yourself at 20,000 feet, munching your tiny bag of pretzels, and still become fish food. Do you want that? Of course you don’t.

And it won’t happen, if you just don’t believe in science. Remember, facts are what you wish they were, not what anyone can prove.

Fly safely.


29 Comments on “Why I No Longer Believe In Evolution”

  1. robincoyle says:

    Good grief. Remind me to not swim in that lake. I don’t want to be fish food.

  2. “Facts are what you wish they were …”

    Freakin’ awesome.

  3. List of X says:

    If you don’t fly Swallow Airlines, you’ll be fine.

  4. Anonymous says:

    I like this. I am on board. I have always hated gravity so I choose to not believe in the mainstream “theory.” Since I do not adhere to that theory, then soon I should be able to fly. Thank you for releasing me from troublesome terrestrial bonds and the fact that I may have to actually deal with scientific facts that do not fit neatly into my idea of how the world works. So long walking suckers! Flap, flap, flap!

  5. I’m banking on the evolution of fish-eating earthworms to nip the mega-shark problem in the bud. If that doesn’t work out, airlines may have to start disguising their jumbo jets as fruitcakes, because no creature will eat those.

    • omawarisan says:

      How dumb are fish? There aren’t any earthworms under water. The first (and last) time they see one they think “I don’t know what that is. I’ll just eat it.”

      • I think worms are found in water, but on a really rare basis, sort of like a truffle or a strand of pure saffron – the fish have to eat them on the rare occasion they spot one, or be ridiculed by “foodie” fish for years to come.
        PS: Nice beatnik look! You wacky retirees and your fashion choices!

  6. That was some nice shark flying. I think I’ll stay out of lakes and rivers now, too. Just to be safe.

  7. lbwoodgate says:

    Hilarious! But consider the fact that such movies like Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus are being made and watched may be a sign that humans are devolving more than animals are evolving. Just a thought.

  8. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I’m with Larry. We’re on a path to de-evolvement. Bring back DEVO!

  9. Maybe the fish spit the bird out after he realized all of the feathers were gross. I bet the scientists didn’t show that part. Seems like something scientists would do. We’re all totally safe.

  10. Betty says:

    Great. One more thing to fear about air travel.

  11. Betty says:

    Great. One more thing to fear about flying.

  12. Betty says:

    Take your pick. iPhone too small. Fingers too big.

  13. Rob G says:

    Don’t believe in evolution you say… Then how do you disprove the fairly well known fact that,sometime in the mid-seventies, a teenage boy turned green for two days. You likely recall the story that he was green for two days, he turned himself normal color again. This was no magic, but an honest to goodness metabolic change witnessed by almost a dozen people.

  14. Jessica says:

    MRSA is a bacteria that is the very definition of evolution. The bacteria SA or S. aureus became “smarter” and resistant to the antibiotics to defeat it. After some time, this bacteria became a MRSA,

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