Three Years Later

Three years ago today was a Friday. I’d slipped out-of-town for an over night visit with my son. By the time I arrived, Fred had passed away back home.

Despite a heroic effort to contact me, I didn’t know we’d lost him until I read the news the next morning. I remember staring a lot that day. There were other things, but mostly there was staring.

That Saturday night, back home in bed, I was still staring. I published what I felt that night, and then went to work at 4:30 a.m. Sunday on no sleep. I wasn’t the only one sleepless and staring.

The staring returned this morning. I’m angry about the accident that cost his life months before he was to retire. I’m hurt for his family as they move on without him. I’m disappointed that I can’t call him to laugh about some of the stories we lived through and compare notes on how much being retired from The Job doesn’t suck.

But I’m also happy to have had the privilege to enjoy time with Fred. That’s the direction I hope the staring takes me today.

Things are better than they were three years ago. A lot of water has gone under the bridge. I’m stronger, healthier and smarter. I’ve even learned lessons because Freddy had to leave; I’d rather have stayed ignorant of those.

It is quiet today. I’ll take time to think about the stuff we saw and did. And about pulling each others bacon out of the fire on several occasions. And finding each other on SWAT calls and saying “I’ll see you when this is over”.

Life goes on, brother. It is good.

I’ll see you when this is over, but it’s gonna be a while.

Fortes Fortuna Juvat.

15 Comments on “Three Years Later”

  1. NotAPunkRocker says:

    I just read the original post. I am sorry for your loss then and what you are dealing with today.

  2. Dan Hennessy says:

    No one gets out alive . Nice tribute .

  3. I will be thinking about you and your friend/colleague today. You will see each other again but as you say, not for awhile.

  4. lbwoodgate says:

    The seismic shifts in our lives are seldom pleasant one. Excellent tribute Oma.

  5. Amy Reese says:

    I’m sorry for your loss. There’s no making sense of when it’s time for someone to go. That’s what I always think. Of course, it doesn’t make it any easier. Know that you will see your friend again, in time.

  6. Death sucks. My teen will celebrate one of his biggest achievements at school next Friday on his 18th birthday without his dad. I will not be sitting next to my soul mate. Yep, death sucks. But not all the time and good golly we have a ton of good memories, life has been very good to us and as my teen said not too long ago, “Mom I am a better person because my dad was in my life even if it wasn’t long enough.” As is true for you and Fred. I’m sorry.

  7. If your being stronger, healthier and smarter and is related to Fred’s untimely departure, then maybe he isn’t fully gone. Condolences.

  8. kimpugliano says:

    That hurt my heart a little. I’m glad you learned from him, though. I’m sure your son is too.

  9. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    The magnitude of loss returns and returns. I try to believe that whatever thoughts bring someone back into my mind makes them alive again for me. People you care about never really leave. I think I’m starting to fully embrace the notion of the spirit that lives on and helps with the missing.

  10. We Found Him Captain! says:

    I remember going to that church service and several others just like it. At each one I felt very sad and relieved to see you standing tall. I was grateful that you were standing, and very hopeful that I would not have to hear Amazing Grace for my BOY. Thanks for making it. I’m sorry for your loss, God Bless You Always!


  11. Debbie says:

    Oma, I’m so sorry for your loss — then and now. The people we love and respect are never far from our hearts, no matter how long it’s been since they’ve gone. Take some time to remember today, be kind to yourself, and know you’ll see Fred again (and what memories you’ll be able to share then!)

  12. omawarisan says:

    Thanks to all. Know that’s not the usual tone here, but that’s what needed to come out.

  13. Eternity is a long, long, long time. What’s important is being prepared for it. I hope that Fred was prepared, and that you are too.

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