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Can I Get A Witness?

I am going to hire an employee. That person will have one duty – they will have to be with me so that I always have someone to turn to and say “did you see that?” when I witness something.

Unfortunately, I have not hired that employee yet. You’re going to have to take my word for it – the story I’m about to tell you is true.

Traveling Man

(public domain, wikimedia)

A six a.m. flight had me up and moving early. I wasn’t moving fast, but I was moving. There were all the usual hygiene procedures, then I got dressed and carried my bags out in to the hotel’s hallway.

Hotels are very quiet places at four-thirty in the morning. I made my way down the hall, thinking about the route to the airport and hoping for short security lines when I arrived. While I waited for the elevator to come up to the fourth floor I checked again to make sure I had not left my house keys in the hotel room.

When the elevator opened on the ground floor I started to step out, then noticed a spider standing a foot or two outside the elevator.

This was not a small spider. This wasn’t a huge hairy spider. This was one of those spiders that is big enough to make you say “whoa, spider” without being freaked out by the fact that it exists. That narrows down the sort of spider I’m discussing, right?

I stepped around the spider. As I passed, I thought that it looked as if the spider was waiting for the elevator. I’m sure it was because I was still sleepy, but I grinned as I wondered whether the spider had pressed the up button or was just waiting for someone to come down.

Traveling Spider

And then it happened.

The spider walked on to the elevator. The door closed behind him.

There was a pause.

And the elevator started up.

Because I was making this part of my trip on my own, no one saw this but me. I even turned, hoping that someone had walked up in time to witness that this moderately sized spider had waited for the elevator, boarded it after I stepped off and went upstairs. I love a good “did you see that?” and I feel frustrated when I can’t say it. The only solution I can come up with to relieve that frustration is to hire someone to be there when I’m otherwise unaccompanied.

I’m a very focused traveler. I plan my trips meticulously. I don’t like delays. I check out of hotels. I go directly to the airport. I am at the gate early. But I was so fascinated by this spider event that I stood and waited, forfeiting precious moments to see the spider’s journey through.

Knock, Knock.

The elevator went up.

It stopped on the third floor.

I heard the doors open, then close.

The elevator did not come back down.

Based on what I saw, I’m pretty sure that the spider did press the up button. He wasn’t just waiting until someone woke up and rode the elevator down. He went to the third floor on purpose.

I’m still curious about what he was up to. The spider wasn’t holding a key card, so I’m assuming that he was visiting a hotel guest.

I wonder what it sounds like when a spider knocks on a door. Maybe next trip.

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24 Comments on “Can I Get A Witness?”

  1. Eva says:

    That’s one hell of a crafty spider. Also, I’m applying for the assistant position. You would have to email me first then ask ‘ If I saw that’ then I’ll respond accordingly… through the internets. My answer will always be, ‘Yes. I saw that.’

  2. Betty says:

    He doesn’t have to knock on the hotel room door. He just slips under….and scares the bejeezus out of the room’s occupant.

  3. knace says:

    I love this! Maybe the hotel has a service where if a fly or some other bug is annoying a guest, the spider is there on call and goes up to take care of the problem.

  4. Steph says:

    Holy crap, smart spiders. I’m moving to Antarctica. This is ridiculous.

  5. List of X says:

    Yes, but what if your assistant is distracted by something even more shocking (like, while you were watching the spider, an alien rode a unicorn through the lobby), and tells you “hey – did you see THAT??”, and you didn’t? You need a second assistant constantly checking where you two are looking, determining the most-look worthy view of the two of you, and coordinating between you two.

  6. Spiders are capable of anything. I have nothing but respect for spiders. After my spider attack last summer I am a firm believer in not ever crossing a spider. I will be spending a lot more time checking elevators before I enter and I will not be staying on the third floor.

  7. This makes sense. Taking the stairs is four times harder for spiders.

    He might have been visiting (and Diamond Lil is a fun idea), or he might have been staff. Were you at a Super 8?

    And, finally, in the 5ive Routine Minutes version that ran through my head, he was carrying the morning paper, two cups of coffee, and a plate of complimentary continental breakfast food.

    • omawarisan says:

      I appreciate you mentioning the stairs. I’d have thought that if you can shoot silk out of your backside, going up stairs would be easy.

      No Super 8 for me, locked up too many folks out of those joints.

      5ive Minutes! Coulda been, but I don’t know how to draw a danish. Also, I don’t draw Danes very well.

      • There’s a Hamlet/Marmaduke joke in there, but . . . yeah, no. . .I can’t think of it.

        • omawarisan says:

          Hamlet and Marmaduke walk into a diner.
          Waitress says “we don’t serve Danish in here”.
          Hamlet says, “that’s ok, I’ll have eggs then”.

          Author’s note – Marmaduke says nothing, he is a dog.

          Also, later in the day you’ll think about this joke. It will crack you up. However, it is so obscure that you won’t be able to pass it on. I’m sorry.

          You started it.

          • It’s 5:15 am. I’m laughing and also slightly astonished because I woke up two hours ago (when you were writing it) thinking about the snail joke.

            The snail joke is my favorite joke and not only because it’s the only one to which I remember the punch line.

  8. omawarisan says:

    Well, that would be very rude. I think he was better than that. He waited for me to get off the elevator before he walked in.

  9. lrose says:

    I recently read a blog post written from the spider-in-the-shower perspective. It was a love poem about the woman who bathes there and it was so eloquent I nearly fell for the little vermin. You must have met the same little fella.


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