Why I Don’t Eat Penguins

A long time ago, I wrote about how good I am at parallel parking. I told you then that I don’t like to brag. That’s still true. Bragging is so uncool.

But I’m exceptional at peeling oranges.

Oranges – Good And Good For You

Antarctic explorers ate penguins to prevent scurvy.

Just saw a Norwegian (imabe by Ken Funakoshi CC by SA 2.0)

You might not think that being a skilled orange peeler isn’t such a big deal, but it is. Peeling an orange makes it so much tastier. The better I enjoy the taste of the orange, the more likely it is that I will eat it. When I eat an orange I get all the health benefits it has.

An orange contains twelve and a half percent of your body’s daily requirement of fiber. That’s important for a guy my age. Just think of all the money I’m saving on Metamucil because I’ve developed my orange peeling to such a high level.

Did you know that members of Roald Amundsen’s successful expedition to the South Pole ate penguins to ward off scurvy? They did, because Norwegians are notoriously bad orange peelers. My orange peeling gift allows me to get at the tasty Vitamin C inside the fruit and protect myself from scurvy.

But enough about oranges, let’s talk about me.

I’m That Good

See that rind? Off like a prom dress. (image by Goldblattster CC by SA 3.0)

My orange peeling technique starts with how I break the skin. I always start near the top of the fruit, near where the stem once attached. I break through the rind to the perfect depth, without splitting the membrane of the fruit beneath. My technique is so effective that I frequently remove much of the pithy core as I take off that top piece of skin.

The way I’m able to slide my thumb between the fruit and the skin is artful. My left thumb separates the rind from the tasty goodness beneath while my right hand turns the fruit. My method often removes the peel in one continuous piece.

My hands stay clean when I peel an orange. Most of the time I’m able to converse with my audience as I peel. As an added bonus, I treat people near me to a refreshing citrus scent released by the grateful rind.

Lesser orange peelers find themselves with sticky hands. Their lack of attention to the craft that I’ve perfected leaves them with juice on their hands. Their brutish techniques rupture the fruit and makes an awful mess. It is hard to know whether to feel more sorry for them or the orange.

I Don’t Like To Brag

I am proud to say that I am scurvy free. I’m scurvy free and I don’t have any idea what a penguin tastes like. Why? Because I’m a gifted orange peeler who has taken the time to perfect my craft.

Not everyone has God-given skills like mine. But I hope that you won’t feel discouraged if you fall into that lower skill set category. You can improve.


Respect the fruit.

Become one with the citrus.

Or learn to enjoy penguin.



43 Comments on “Why I Don’t Eat Penguins”

  1. Eva says:

    I do love a good orange, peeled well, but I wonder what penguin tastes like.

  2. Impressive. Do you give the orange a good groping before initiating peeling? Maybe bounce it gently off the wall a few times? I’ve found that helps for a clean peel, as well.

  3. I’m glad this is working out for you, scurvy-wise. Have you considered that you might increase the fiber benefits if you ate the rind?

    • omawarisan says:

      Thanks. I recommend it; oranges are easier to get than penguins.

      I see where you’re going with the rind thing, but I’m concerned that it may be too much of a good thing.

  4. FitsofWit says:

    “See that rind? Off like a prom dress.” Amazing. I am jealous of your skills.

  5. konfessionsofkiran says:

    Great piece, check out my latest post I think it’s something you’d enjoy!

  6. You’ve encouraged me to run to the grocery store on my lunch break and get a sack of oranges. I have to start practicing. Now that I know it is possible to get the skin off in a fluid motion AND keeps your hand free of stickiness? I will not stop (until I have some work to do) until I can achieve this…& then I will brag about it to everyone I know – giving you full credit, of course.

  7. motherhendiaries says:

    i am a rubbish orange peeler!! Strangely enough, though, I ALSO am scurvy free – and on a penguin-free diet, no less! I must have some anti-scurvy super powers. Or it could be from the limes in my Gin & Tonic…

    • omawarisan says:

      And the quinine in the tonic keeps you from getting malaria. You’re the picture of health!

      • motherhendiaries says:

        One can never be too safe… malaria is a big threat in Britain these days. Right along with scurvy and rickets. And bubonic plague. Of course, I only drink G&T for the medicinal benefits.

  8. lbwoodgate says:

    I gotta peel the oranges too but I can eat a lemon, skin and all. Fiber intake is not a problem for me. 😉

  9. Betty says:

    If I was still a smoker, I would have needed a cigarette after reading your peeling description.

    • omawarisan says:

      If you were a smoker, but then again no…

      It was that bit about the pithy core, wasn’t it? I struggled with that line but decided to go with it and risk that my blog would be seen as adult material.

  10. You peel oranges? I just cut them and suck on the wedges. Less white stuff that way.

  11. vicbriggs says:

    I’m very pleased to find out that you have exceptional orange peeling abilities that also happen to be dolphin-friendly (just like tuna, but friendlier 😉 ) Thank you for the smile.

  12. Surely this late in the comments, some witty reader has already guessed that penguin tastes like chicken. I won’t run the risk of sounding like some sort of myna bird by saying the same thing. Incidentally, I’m told by people in the know that myna bird tastes nothing like chicken.

  13. Oranges are great and you have obviously mastered the peeling to perfection. Now, put your skills to a real test. Try doing the same with a grapefruit. The skin is often much thinner and a bit trickier. The will also leave you scurvy free but offer you a new challenge.

  14. pegoleg says:

    Thank God you don’t like to brag.

  15. List of X says:

    Have you considered that Amundsen may have been an expert in peeling penguins, but always had problems with oranges?

  16. Debbie says:

    Save a penguin — eat more oranges. Win-win, all around!!

  17. […] Because of that, I’ve had to tell you that I am the King Of Parallel Parking and that I am exceptionally good at peeling oranges. I’m going to have to go against my principles and brag to you about something else I’m […]

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