My Ultimate “I Won’t Eat That” MenuPosted: April 30, 2014 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: comedy, Eating, food, humor, life, picky eaters, postaweek 43 Comments
We’ve all been in situations where we’ve had to force down a food that we did not like because of where we were.
For example, when I was in high school, I had dinner at my girlfriend’s house. Her mom was a very nice lady who had no way of knowing that I’d never eaten asparagus before that night and that my first encounter wouldn’t be a good one. Employing the strategy of taking more of the foods that I liked and minimizing my serving of asparagus got me through the meal with minimal gagging.
But, I did force myself to eat the asparagus. That leads to an interesting question presented to me recently:
“Is there a meal that someone could serve you at their home that would make you say “I can’t eat anything you’ve cooked”?”
The meal would consist of five items – an appetizer, two vegetables, a main course, and a dessert.
All five dishes would have to be things that I could not force myself to take a taste of, as I did with Holly’s mother’s asparagus.
After some consideration, I’ve been able to design a menu that is perfectly suited to make me violate the societal norm of eating at least a bite of whatever my hosts prepared.
Appetizer – Escargot
There are few things on Earth more repulsive than snails. As a matter of fact, the only thing more repulsive than a snail is a slug. Slugs are just snails that don’t have the decency to cover up half of their disgusting selves with a shell. Slugs are so disgusting that even the French can’t eat them.
The idea of escargot is horrifying. I would be so disgusted by their presence that I would have to just pour myself a glass of wine and wait in another room until that course was over.
Vegetable 1 – Mushrooms
Mushrooms are not edible. Is it that they’ve got the word mush in their name? I don’t know. Maybe it’s those kids stories where mushrooms are poison. Perhaps it is that some of them really are poison.
I don’t eat poison.
I don’t eat mushrooms.
Vegetable 2 – Lima Beans
Lima beans are big. Big food is good, if it is good food. Lima beans are bad food.
I suppose they are nutritious. What good is being nutritious if the nutrients can’t get into my body because they are not tasty?
I’ve tried them, it didn’t go well. Fool me once, shame on you lima beans. Fool me twice? Not happening, lima beans.
Main Course – Flounder
I don’t eat fish. No, not even mild fish. No, not shrimp. No fish, ever.
Flounder is particularly disturbing to me. It has two eyes, which eventually move to one side of its head. Once a flounder’s eyes move this slacker of a fish lays around on the sea floor. Periodically it jumps up in to the path of smaller fish as they swim by. The small fish die from the horror of seeing this Elephant Man of a fish and the flounder eats them.
Survival of the fittest I get, but this is going too far. Even if I ate fish, I would not respect flounder enough to consume them.
Dessert – Flan
It’s hard to choose a dessert that I’d turn my nose up at. Coconut cake almost made the list. Unfortunately, I’ve choked that down in the past and could do it again if I had to, so it doesn’t fit the terms of the question
In the end, I had to go with flan. I’ve never eaten flan. I like custard and I understand that flan is sort of like a custard. Even with that knowledge, flan makes my “I’m not eating that” menu. Why?
Because flan is always that flan shape. You know what I’m talking about; it looks like the bottom third of a cone. Always, always shaped like flan. In the end, flan is pudding. The top two puddings in my world – chocolate and banana – are both shapeless but delicious blobs.
Flan is too snooty to be a tasty blob. I don’t eat snooty desserts. I won’t eat flan.
So my “I won’t eat that” menu opens with snails. The main course is flounder, with mushrooms and lima beans followed by that snooty flan shaped dessert, flan. If any of you are planning to invite me over for dinner and I’ve guessed what you were planning to serve, I’m sorry. I will still attend and be as charming and grateful a guest as possible.
I’ll bring the wine. Lots of it.
And probably a protein bar.
What’s Your “I Won’t Eat That” Menu?
WINE?????? Come on over…I’ll make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches!!!!!!
Be right there!
Appetizer: Pâté de foie gras
Vegetable 1: soy beans (because they’d make me sick)
Vegetable 2: soy beans (because I think I’d eat pretty much any vegetable that wouldn’t make me sick).
Main course: Tripe
Dessert: Chocolate-covered toad gizzards. Because toad gizzards.
What kind of wine goes with pb&j?!? Too funny. 🙂
First thing that popped in my head was Little Feat, Tripe Face Boogie.
Can’t imagine eating tripe. That’d be enough to get me to peel the chocolate off the gizzards.
Wine selection for PB and J hinges on the choice of jelly.
Appetizer – Rocky Mountain Oysters
Entree – Liver
Vegetable 1 – beets
Vegetable 2 – endamame (gross)
Dessert – Gooseberry pie (a restaurant I worked for many years ago made this pie – it was nasty)
So I guess I’m just having lots and lots of wine…like usual.
I ducked edamame for a long time based on their resemblance to lima beans. They were ok in a dish, but I don’t think I could eat them on their own.
I will eat your beets if you’ll eat my mushrooms..
I eat most things but don’t like seafood especially if they have shells or eyes! I have taken students on day trips to France and they put me to shame enjoying bucket loads of mussels and snails…I could only watch trying not to cringe! 🙂
Auugh…let them have their mussels and snails. That just leaves more good stuff for the rest of us.
I love all veggies
I hate all desserts.
Ew…tongue. Yeah, that couldn’t happen for me either. But if it were between tongue and fish for my life I think I’d…probably end up dead.
Tripe, menudo, liver, sweetbreads…I liked Haggis and I don’t mind rocky mountain oysters (had them, wasn’t impressed but if served them I might eat a part of one to be polite. Not any worse than breaded and fried pork belly). The rest I’m willing to try.
Do you ever wonder what on earth possessed the Scots to invent haggis?
Yes…I understand where blood pudding came from, but Haggis, not so much. Although it’s very similar to Boudin sausage except there are oats and not rice. I’m thinking it was from the time when people needed to use the entire animal…I know there are organ meats in Haggis (and Boudin) but there are so many herbs and spices and other things that it’s easy to ignore the fact that there are organ meats in it.
Raw oysters *bleck*
More asparagus *dying*
Aspic (gelatin ‘soup’ made with goat cartilage) My mother-in-law’s a freak. That’s an entree, apparently. *near death, now*
Anything with coconut. *expired*
Flan is so good.
See, I used to be an anything with coconut person too. Now if it’s in something, I like it. It it is the focus, I’m with you…bleah.
Gelatin soup? Is your mother-in-law Bill Cosby?
Nope. She’s Latvian.
Appetizer: Pickled Pigs Feet
Veggie 1: Lima Beans (with you on this one)
Veggie 2: Mashed Potatoes (I am a freak but I don’t like them)
Main: Fried Chitterlings
Desert: Can’t think of anything I wouldn’t at least try.
Mashed potatoes? Yeah, that’s something I didn’t expect to come up.
Chitterlings, I’m with you. If someone had to make up a name to hide what it really is, we shouldn’t be eating it.
It is a consistency issue, there are a great number of foods I don’t like because of consistency. If the potatoes are really lumpy, still have the skins I can eat them. But if they are really smooth and creamy…oh no
I categorically refused to eat a mushroom salad covered with raw egg-yolk infused dressing at my girlfriend’s house. She had lovingly sliced each mushroom into ridiculously thin slivers and then painstakingly arranged them in a most arresting geometric design on each plate. It must have taken her hours to make. Her love just oozed out from that stinky egg mess. But I knew that I was barely keeping it together, stomach-wise, sitting a mere 16 inches from that thing. I was honest with her. I explained that I preferred sitting at the table and enjoying her company rather then spending a better part of an hour retching over the toilet. Thankfully I have eaten every other thing this amazing cook has ever made and our friendship survived, as did my stomach.
And that is the sort of thing that drives this idea. How bad does it have to be for you to say “no way”.
On your specific example, oh dear God. Poison salad with salmonella dressing.
Exactly. Not that it made the “no way” feel any easier coming out of my mouth though…
This was tough because I’ll eat almost anything. I’m with you on a couple of them. Here we go:
Appetizer: fried rubber bands … I mean, calamari
Veg 1: Lima beans for sure
Veg 2: just Lima beans
Main: goat. Please. No goat anything.
Dessert: slimy flan
There’s a lovely story on This American Life about “imitation calamari” (which is often mistaken for real calamari). Turns out, a lot of this stuff is made out of pork bung (commonly known as a pig’s rectum). Bon appetit!
MMMM….bung…it’s what’s for dinner.
There ya go. Vom.
I tried goat once, out of curiosity. I think I could do it again.
Hold the flan!
So, what’s so bad about a nice hot slug and mushroom omelet on crispy French bread for lunch? Have you ever seen a cross-eyed flounder? They have a nasty bite and refuse to stay in the frying pan. Just when you get ready to flip them over they jump out of the pan and go for your throat. I had to get a tetanus shot after that encounter.
Organ meats are off limits for me. My relationship with organs ends with organ music” and I can barely tolerate organ music. Another no-no! Is pig’s rectum. Before ordering calamari in a restaurant always ask the waitress “Is it real calamari or pig’s bung calamari?” If she sez “I don’t know” don’t get it.
No slugs. There’s not enough bread in the world.
Veg 2: mushrooms
Veg 2: raw onion
Main course: head cheese
Dessert: black licorice
I just looked up head cheese. You’re banned 😉
Sorry about that.
I’m a pretty tolerant eater, but I share your loathing of limas. As a child, I used to imagine they were tiny green alien brains. bleah
Oh wow, now that you mention it…
Raw Oysters (just thinking about them make me gag)
The main dish would be this thing He-Who calls “Kulesha” (no guarantees on the spelling). It is the only meal he makes for himself as I gag and have to leave the room when he is eating it. It is fried corn meal mixed with sour cream and cottage cheese. It is the grossest thing you have ever eaten.
I can say no to most deserts, especially chocolate, but can’t think of one I wouldn’t at least taste.
[…] My Ultimate “I Won’t Eat That” Menu […]
Reblogged this on itkindofgotawayfromyou.
I tried reblogging this but it didn’t work . Great post . I’m with you only on the lima bean issue , though . How do you feel about tofu ? Kimchi ?
Appetizer: Fish of any kind
Vegetable 1: Raw celery
Vegetable 2: Hot peppers of any variety
Main course: Fish of any kind
Dessert: Sugar-free anything
Lima beans? Really? I’ll have yours.
I won’t eat:
raw oysters (like giant grey boogers. No thanks.)
Brussels sprouts. Have never eaten them, but they stink.
boiled custard. Not ever.
For SHAME! You have stolen your nephew’s Facebook question and made it into your own blog!
Also, as he put the question, they all have to be foods that you have tried, and know that there is no way you could ever eat again. So, no using odd, exotic items that you may have seen on a Food Network show and have not actually had.
The goal is to determine the perfect storm of foods that would leave you absolutely no choice but to be rude to your host and/or hostess.
“I’m sorry, but I cannot eat anything you have prepared for me because I hate it all and will vomit all over your lovely home.”
That having been said here are my choices
Appetizer – Deviled Eggs – it is right to equate these with Satan. This is the epitome of “We are white people and people are coming to visit us” food. Many people claim to “love” Deviled Eggs, but I think they just don’t hate them. If people really did like them as much as they claim, you would see them offered in every restaurant you ever went to. People “love” Deviled Eggs because they are somewhere that someone has made them. They “love” Deviled Eggs the same way they “love” the color you painted your living room since last time they were there eating your disgusting Satan Eggs.
BONUS Appetizer – Raw oysters – what is more disgusting than having to swallow your own snot? Raw oysters, which give the sensation of having to swallow someone else’s snot.
Side #1 – Scalloped Potatoes – My mother can cook a wide range of delicious foods, but Scalloped Potatoes is not one of them. To be fair, the only Scalloped Potatoes I’ve ever eaten were ones that my mother made, but I trust my mother implicitly, and if she tells me that her recipe is a good representation of what Scalloped Potatoes are, that is good enough for me. Potato slices of various thickness and doneness held together with a glue of hot, thickened milk, butter & black pepper – punctuated with the occasional joy of biting into a pocket of unincorporated all-purpose flour. Kill me now.
Side #2 – Mushrooms – there are thousands of varieties, many of which are said to taste like some other food I don’t like. I have tried many, and have not found any that I would ever eat again.
Entree – Canned Ham – you don’t hear of this very often anymore, but I remember them being quite popular when I was younger. Pink, salty, spongy meat, usually eaten with what I consider to be Satan’s digestive juices… French’s Yellow Mustard. Canned Ham was pretty much the only thing my Aunt Arlene ever made when we visited. I learned to sit next to my little cousin Chrissy and put all my pieces on her plate when no one was looking. It eventually got so she would just eat them of my plate directly. She has grown into a fine woman.
Dessert – Anything made out of or with peanuts or peanut butter. Thank god for the sudden popularity of peanut allergies, I have an out. An out, not an allergy. Yes I will look anyone in the eye and lie to them about having a peanut allergy. This also helps me avoid the inevitable conversation that follows “You don’t like peanut butter? Not at all? Do you like peanut butter cups?”
Ewwwww…mushrooms…. I’m going to go ahead and say the same about escargot and flan even though I’ve never had either. I trust you.
I see Pumpkin isn’t on this list. Interesting….