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I Am Ordained

I am proud to announce that, through the miracle of the internet, I have become an ordained minister.

This move might surprise some who know me well. Given that I’ve not been an organized religion sort of guy, I can understand why. Let me explain my decision to become a man of the cloth, in the way a man of the cloth like me would explain:

Lo, it has been said that the Lord works in mysterious ways. There’s no way that anything is more mysterious than my decision to become a minister, yet a minister I am.

Bless You

I’m not going to wear one of these. I will wear a suit for your wedding if you’d like. (image public domain)

Don’t be fooled by the shorts and baseball jersey I’m wearing; I am Reverend Omawarisan, of the Universal Life Church. I’m can conduct weddings, funerals, and baptisms. I can even absolve you of your sins.

I’m sure that some eyes lit up at that bit about absolving sins. Let’s not get carried away. I’m not going to just issue absolution willy-nilly. I will consider specific absolution for specific sins that you might have gotten yourself involved with.

You’re going to have to confess to me; I’m a minister, not a mind reader, you sinner. Once you tell on yourself, I’ll let you know what my ruling will be vis à vis you and absolution. Do not assume that you’re forgiven until you hear from me.

Have Ordination, Will Travel

My ministry is lacking in the cathedral department, so I’m going to have to concentrate on filling in for clergy members who have churches but need an extra day off. I may also squeeze in a few practice services if I’m able to find an unlocked door at a church.

Releasing doves at your wedding? OK by me. A small dry cleaning charge may apply. (image, public domain)

I will travel to use “the power vested in me”. Getting married? I can do the ceremony. I’ll even leave out that part asking if anyone “knows any reason why these two people should not be married”. Seriously, if you confess to me, I’m going to know what a huge sinner you are. I’m probably not the only one who knows. I don’t believe in giving people who can’t keep a secret the chance to ruin your big day, so we’ll just leave that part out.

Not feeling very well? I’m sorry. Maybe we should start considering your funeral service. If you’re feeling particularly bad, and find yourself at death’s door while I am visiting to discuss your funeral, I will give you your last rites at no additional charge. Being a minister isn’t all about money.

But it is just a little bit about money. I will travel to perform your wedding, funeral or to bless whatever you have that needs my blessing. I’ll conduct these services in exchange for reimbursement of my travel expenses and a reasonable fee. Let’s face it, you were going to pay your local clergy the fee part anyhow. Isn’t a little gas money and a hotel room a small price to pay to have the minister you really want on your big day? I don’t think it is, and you can trust my opinion – I’m a minister.

As my ministry grows and I promote myself to titles like Bishop and Prophet, I expect that my calendar will fill and my fees will rise. Now is the time to book me for your wedding. As an added bonus, if you book a wedding this week, I bless your boat for free! Yes, a free boat blessing for any water craft up to one-hundred-twenty-five feet (a $75 value) is yours when you commit to having me do your wedding with a small deposit! I told you it wasn’t all about money, didn’t I?

The comment section is now open for confessions, or to book me for services.

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19 Comments on “I Am Ordained”

  1. Linda Sand says:

    You’re supposed to pay your clergy?

  2. knace says:

    What about exorcisms? Can you do those?

  3. Amy Reese says:

    Can you bless my house? I think it’s haunted. Congrats to you!

  4. Blogdramedy says:

    Keep on taking online courses and you’ll be one short snip away from conducting a bris.

  5. Steph says:

    Officially the funniest thing I’ve read all day. I’m dying laughing and I need my last rites.

  6. If only you’d done this a year ago, you could have married Kiefer and I. Could you do Scout’s baptism?

  7. Prophet might be a big step backward for you, actually. No one pays money to listen to a prophecy anymore. It’s not the same thing as having your palm read.

  8. Somehow I knew that whole retirement thing wasn’t going to last. I have to admit I did not see this coming, though.

  9. Semprini says:

    Bless me father for I have… oh forget it

  10. Anonymous says:

    I have the Holy Water distributorship for the east coast. You will need my services in order to function. We can match competitors prices plus free shipping. Minimum quantities for free shipping is one gallon @ $29.95 per gallon. Overnight delivery guaranteed.


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