A Superhero Uniform Redesign

I woke last night after a dream brought me to a revelation. A revelation so important that I took a moment to make a note so I wouldn’t forget the details.

The standard superhero uniform is due for a redesign.

Status Quo In Superhero Fashion

The superhero uniform is designed to stand out, be practical and identifiable. It accomplishes those goals, with varying levels of success.

Can’t we do better than this? (public domain)

Seeing someone in tights, boots, a cape and panties makes them stand out in a crowd. Standing out is important when taking on a career as a super crime fighter. The visibility and attention provided by the “tights and panties” mode of dress tends to prevent crimes by alerting evil types that they’ll surely be caught if they get out of line.

Practicality is the weak spot of the current hero dress code. Boots are a smart choice; you never know where you’re going to have to walk when you’re protecting innocent citizens. Tights make heroes hard to grab during a fight, but are prone to snagging and they lack pockets. And whatever gains are made by tights being hard to grab are lost by the cape. Capes provide a grip point and are a hassle in tight spaces or any time the superhero isn’t facing into the wind.

It is easy to identify individual superheroes by the changes they make upon the basic model. Color choices and logos separate Aquaman from Superman for us. Some, like the Flash, add a mask and eschew the panties and cape. Batman handles the no pockets problem with a utility belt.

Making sure that the average person knows which superhero you are is important if you’re super hero-ing for a living. This isn’t a job people get into to get rich. If it were, they’d all have pockets for their wallets. This is all about karma. Being readily identifiable ensures that credit for a given good deed isn’t mistakenly attributed to the wrong hero.

Innovation In Superhero Fashion

So if the goal is to give superheroes practical clothing that stands out and clearly identifies them, how can we improve on the tights and panties dress code? I’ve got that worked out.

Practical? Not so much (public domain)

First, the panties have to go. Panties are nice, in their place. But they don’t look good on the outside of any garment, not even on Wonder Woman. Let’s face it, if any hero was made to rock panties, it’s her. So panties, or the underwear of the individual’s choice go under all the other garments – but they will still be worn. Being rescued by a hero who is going commando is something no one relishes.

The tights have to go too. They look awful once they get a snag in them. So what’s replacing those tights?

Cargo shorts.

Yes, cargo shorts. Baggy, comfortable, sturdy cargo shorts look better than a pair of tights with runs in them any day. The pockets would allow our heroes to carry a few necessities to get them through a long day, like a snack, sunglasses and a good sunblock. I’d pair the shorts with the individual hero’s choice of a solid color t-shirt or golf shirt.

Now, the shorts and shirt combination would still be in the colors of the superhero’s choice and could be emblazoned with logos to provide the individuality that is so important to those who work in this field. I’d even go as far as to say that the logos would be more impressive on a shirt because they could be embroidered. Embroidery on a pair of tights does nothing good for the tights, the logo or the wearer.

As always, customization would be part of the uniform. It wouldn’t be a problem if a particular hero felt the need for headgear, a cape, or something else that would facilitate their goals or just make them feel good about their look. The same can be said for foot wear. Some might opt for a boot, others, a running shoe. Sandals probably wouldn’t be a good choice; they don’t provide enough support or protection. Also, a lot of the older superheroes have terrible nail fungus problems they picked up from showering at their gym.

I want my superheroes comfortable and well equipped. My new cargo shorts based dress code provides comfort and storage capacity unmatched by any version of the tights and panties model. I hope we can phase this innovation in over the next few years.


Author’s note – Some of my readers have met me, some have not. When I read, I often wonder about the kind of person the writer is. Sometimes I make up their voice, sometimes I draw other conclusions about them that have no basis in fact. If you’re like me in that way, let me fill in one of the blanks for you. I am the sort of guy who thinks about superheroes in cargo shorts at 2 a.m. and has to talk about the idea.

18 Comments on “A Superhero Uniform Redesign”

  1. shoutabyss says:

    Have you seen the new Wonder Woman? I just want to know what she’s charging for sessions.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I agree! I’m thinking the new superhero outfit should be redesigned. The male superhero should dress exactly like Father Guido Sarducci. The female should dress in the uniform of a nun who is a highly trained Mother Superior and principal of a catholic school. All future superheroes should receive training and qualify twice a year with the 16 inch long, double- thick, teakwood service ruler. Superheroes who normally work the night shift and are usually patrolling high crime neighborhoods should be issued the larger 36 inch yardstick made of the same stuff.

  3. Eva says:

    It’s easier if all superheroes are naked.

  4. Dan Hennessy says:

    Very practical suggestions . Also , you’re absolutely right about not going into that line of work to get rich . There are crowds of these poor superheros hanging around Hollywood Boulevard trying to get handouts from tourists . It’s sad , really .

  5. Gee, I kind of like men in tights. For purely selfish reasons. They could all wear a fanny pack to get over the “no pockets” problem. Wait. What? No that would counteract the effect of the tights. OK, cargo pants it is.

  6. Whatever the new superhero dress code turns out to be, I think they need to have flaps for when nature calls. The current configuration seems like it would pose lots of problems.

  7. Eoin Maloney says:

    Why not armored, lightweight bodysuits, decorated to taste? Make it out of some superhero comics material, it can be breathable, lightweight and durable, and offer plenty of protection v. small arms fire, while still being distinctive and comfortable? Add a mask, or preferably a helmet, and you’re gold.

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