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Five Things Kim Jong Un Did While He Was Gone

Yesterday, new photos of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un were released. Word on the street is that they are the first snap shots of the big guy in public in well over a month. His absence from view fueled a lot of speculation – was he sick? Dead? Overthrown? No one knew.

But now he is back and this is the only place to find out where he was. You can take what I’m going to reveal to you as absolute truth; we all know I am connected in North Korea, big time. I am connected like Dennis Rodman, minus all the weird baggage that comes with that guy.

Behold, Kim Jong Un’s top five fun activities while he was out of the public eye:

1) Umpired every game of the North Korean Little League World Series

Strike? Well, yes, of course it was a strike. (taylor grieve CCbySA3.0)

He got every call right. Every ball, every strike, every out. To celebrate his achievement, all the parents in attendance spontaneously changed clothes. Instead of wearing shirts supporting their children’s teams, they dressed in umpire shirts and booed the kids.

2) Started a new cable television channel

The North Korean Food Network featured competition shows; Kim won each contest, the losers were fed to wild dogs. The population watched, enraptured by something they rarely see in real life – food.

3) Kept up with the Kardashians

After watching DVDs of every episode ever aired, The Great Leader realized that, like most other thinking people, he doesn’t give a damn.

4) Stopped the spread of Ebola

Taylor Swift sings about her relationship with Kim Jong Un. OMG! (image eva rinaldi CCbySA2.0)

Seriously. No need to concern yourself with this stuff any more. It’s not that he found a cure, he killed Ebola by the force of his will. Feel free to stop your incessant hand washing, there’s no such thing as Ebola anymore.

5) Dated And Broke Up With Taylor Swift

Thirty days is more than enough time for a typical man to cycle through a relationship with pop singer Taylor Swift. Since he is so far beyond typical, Kim Jong Il dated and broke up with her in under a week. To fight off boredom, he then wrote a song about himself. Ms. Swift recorded it.

Bono was so moved by the lyrics that he had the U-2 album that Apple forced on all i-Tunes customers deleted and replaced by Ms. Swift’s new song.

 

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13 Comments on “Five Things Kim Jong Un Did While He Was Gone”

  1. Blogdramedy says:

    Just so you know. He also took time to arrange for your spam folder to get swamped with Korean take-out menus. Written in Korean.

    He’s helpful like that.

    • omawarisan says:

      Damn. You know what else? I stopped at a Korean restaurant the other day and had the worst Be Bim Bap. I think he cooked it.

      FYI, be bim bap was the dish I had and not the digestive trouble that I had later.

  2. He also shot a guest spot on The Walking Dead, playing the only really cool zombie.

  3. Dan Hennessy says:

    He also learned to twerk .

  4. susielindau says:

    So I’m assuming Swift will be writing a song about her latest love affair.

  5. pegoleg says:

    What, no trip to Disneyland? What a loser.

  6. Sandy says:

    Wrote “Fifty Shades of Grey, Part Un”


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