Five Things Kim Jong Un Did While He Was GonePosted: October 14, 2014
Yesterday, new photos of North Korean leader Kim Jong Un were released. Word on the street is that they are the first snap shots of the big guy in public in well over a month. His absence from view fueled a lot of speculation – was he sick? Dead? Overthrown? No one knew.
But now he is back and this is the only place to find out where he was. You can take what I’m going to reveal to you as absolute truth; we all know I am connected in North Korea, big time. I am connected like Dennis Rodman, minus all the weird baggage that comes with that guy.
Behold, Kim Jong Un’s top five fun activities while he was out of the public eye:
1) Umpired every game of the North Korean Little League World Series
He got every call right. Every ball, every strike, every out. To celebrate his achievement, all the parents in attendance spontaneously changed clothes. Instead of wearing shirts supporting their children’s teams, they dressed in umpire shirts and booed the kids.
2) Started a new cable television channel
The North Korean Food Network featured competition shows; Kim won each contest, the losers were fed to wild dogs. The population watched, enraptured by something they rarely see in real life – food.
3) Kept up with the Kardashians
After watching DVDs of every episode ever aired, The Great Leader realized that, like most other thinking people, he doesn’t give a damn.
4) Stopped the spread of Ebola
Seriously. No need to concern yourself with this stuff any more. It’s not that he found a cure, he killed Ebola by the force of his will. Feel free to stop your incessant hand washing, there’s no such thing as Ebola anymore.
5) Dated And Broke Up With Taylor Swift
Thirty days is more than enough time for a typical man to cycle through a relationship with pop singer Taylor Swift. Since he is so far beyond typical, Kim Jong Il dated and broke up with her in under a week. To fight off boredom, he then wrote a song about himself. Ms. Swift recorded it.
Bono was so moved by the lyrics that he had the U-2 album that Apple forced on all i-Tunes customers deleted and replaced by Ms. Swift’s new song.