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I Predict The Winners Of The 2015 Academy Awards

When my friends think about glitz and Hollywood, they think about me.

Because of that, they’ll be excited to learn that I am giving all the little people the benefit of my knowledge of film, acting and the stars. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, after you read this, you’ll know exactly who will win the Oscars and can spend your evening doing something productive. You’re welcome.

…and the Oscar goes to… (image by toughpigs via muppetwikia)

Let’s get started, shall we?

Oh, by the way, I haven’t seen any of these flicks. No, not even one.

The nominees for best picture are:

American Sniper

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Imitation Game

Selma

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

American Sniper had a lot of television commercials. I got sick of them. Pretty sure that means this film goes home a loser.

Selma is about a pivotal moment in American history. However, Oprah is somehow involved in the film. She is the anti-Christ and thus dooms the films chances.

Whiplash is the life story (hip, Hollywood guys like me call a film like this a biopic) of legendary cartoon villain, Snidely Whiplash. I’m certain that this is the best picture winner. I’ve always wondered how Snidely Whiplash stayed motivated to do bad things when he was always so easily defeated by bumbling Canadian Mountie, Dudley Do-Right.

The best actor (lead role) nominees are:

Steve Carell
Foxcatcher

Bradley Cooper
American Sniper

Benedict Cumberbatch
The Imitation Game

Michael Keaton
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Eddie Redmayne
The Theory of Everything

I’m picking Benedict Cumberbatch here. I think he will get a huge sympathy vote from people who suffered through the middle school years with really unfortunate names.

Michael Keaton, worst Batman ever. I know he’s not nominated for being Batman. Unfortunately, bad impressions stick with you sometimes.

The Best Actress (lead role) nominees are:

Ms. Witherspoon (image by Marcus Quigmire CCbySA2.0)

Marion Cotillard
Two Days, One Night

Felicity Jones
The Theory of Everything

Julianne Moore
Still Alice

Rosamund Pike
Gone Girl

Reese Witherspoon
Wild

I once dated a woman named Julie Anne. She dropped an e and changed her name to Juli Anne. I didn’t have a problem with that because I didn’t like extraneous vowels either.  I was never certain why she dropped the e from Julie but not from Anne.

Unfortunately, Julianne Moore will not win because I couldn’t get along with Juli(e) Ann(e)’s mom or dad. Call me crazy, it’s just a feeling.

This category goes to Reese Witherspoon in a landslide. Everyone loves a peanut butter cup.

The nominees for best supporting actor are:

Robert Duvall grew this redwood tree from a seed a few hundred years ago (CCbySA2.0 image by Allie_Caulfield)

Robert Duvall
The Judge

Ethan Hawke
Boyhood

Edward Norton
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Mark Ruffalo
Foxcatcher

J.K. Simmons
Whiplash

How could I not pick Robert Duvall? He’s been around forever. He was in The Godfather and he was kind of old then. Now he is so old the only way to accurately determine his age is by taking a core sample of him and carbon dating it.

Ethan Hawk(e)? Please. He’s got an extraneous vowel at the end of his last name.

The nominees for best supporting actress are:

Patricia Arquette
Boyhood

Laura Dern
Wild

Keira Knightley
The Imitation Game

Emma Stone
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Meryl Streep
Into the Woods

This category is a real toss-up. Meryl Streep will likely win because she is Meryl Streep. But don’t be surprised if Emma Stone pulls it out for her work in Birdman. Birdman sounds like Birdland, a really cool instrumental jazz piece my son played in high school band. That could put her over the top.

The best director nominees are:

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Boyhood
Richard Linklater

Foxcatcher
Bennett Miller

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Wes Anderson

The Imitation Game
Morten Tyldum

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I didn’t make that up; it might not even be true. Sometimes imitating someone is the best way to get someone sincerely pissed off at you.

Morten Tyldum will wish he imitated Alejandro G. Iñárritu by adding excessive, yet eye-catching pronunciation marks to his last name. Iñárritu and Birdman take this one.

And finally, the nominees for the most condescending award category of the night –  the best foreign film. These are movies which are pretty good but suck just a little because pesky people from other lands insist on making movies in their own languages. That language/suck factor prevents them from being best overall:

Ida
Poland; Directed by Pawel Pawlikowski

Leviathan
Russia; Directed by Andrey Zvyagintsev

Tangerines
Estonia; Directed by Zaza Urushadze

Timbuktu
Mauritania; Directed by Abderrahmane Sissako

Wild Tales
Argentina; Directed by Damián Szifron

Another toss-up. Leviathan feels like a front-runner, but Tangerines contain vitamin C. Vitamin C prevents scurvy. Preventing scurvy is important in any language.

Well, there you have them, my Oscar picks. Sorry to spoil the show for you. Maybe you can switch over and watch Joan Rivers make fun of how other people dress. Maybe you can watch a movie in the time you’d have spent staring at the Academy Awards.

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5 Comments on “I Predict The Winners Of The 2015 Academy Awards”

  1. I’m skipping the Oscars again this year. In the spirit of Joan, I’ll be making fun of how people look, but not limiting myself to the red carpet, and focusing instead on the clientele at the nearest chain restaurant.

  2. I haven’t seen any of the films either. This makes me sad. I think I will go help 1Point make fun of the people at that restaurant.

  3. Mandarin oranges would definitely not win in any category.

  4. Becca Joyce says:

    Michael Keaton was the best Batman, other than Adam West who I met once in a comic store in Liverpool. Clooney was the worst by miles. (Did I really just have an opinion on Best Batman? Sheesh.)


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