No, Don’t Bury Me. Here’s What I Want.

I suppose the right thing to do is to start by saying that I don’t foresee the plans I’m putting in place here being used for a long time. My health is better than it has been in years. Barring being hit by a meteor or being mauled by a bear, I’m pretty certain I’m going to live for quite a while. One hundred years is not out of the question.

But there is some wisdom in establishing my wishes for when it is my time to go. The last thing I want my family wondering about after I’m gone is my funeral arrangements. To be sure they don’t, I’m going to lay my wishes out here, in a place where they’ll be easy to find in 2061…or 2062, if I push it and go for one-hundred-one years.

Services will be in Key West. Dress casual. (image public domain)

Cremation seems the way to go. It’s cheaper, and it eliminates that whole situation where people show up at a funeral home to look at what’s left of me lounging around in a box. Let’s face it, no one wants to see that. It is a creepy tradition that has to stop. I’m doing my part.

That’s just the first step. Yes, there’s more.

Head South

I recognize those who love me will to gather and remember me. Also, there’s the matter of what to do with my ashes. I know where the best place to handle both of those issues is my favorite town, Key West, Florida.

Key West is known for great bars, but so many folks miss out on what a great food town it is. The further you get from the beaten path, the better you’re going to eat. I know my friends will be well fed, well watered and will treat my favorite town with the love and respect it deserves.

And as they eat and listen to music, and have a few beers, they’ll share stories about me. The stories will make them laugh and cry. They’ll get a good night’s sleep before my big send-off.

The Southernmost Circus Cannon

This circus cannon is already in Florida in a museum. It will do just fine (image by Roger Wollstadt, CCbySA2.0)

The next morning, they’ll go to the edge of the island. Here’s where the logistics of my final arrangements get tricky. What I am hoping is that when my friends and family get to Smathers Beach, not far from the airport, there is a big cannon there. It doesn’t have to be a big, military howitzer type of thing. I’m pretty sure that one of those cannons they use to shoot an acrobat across the arena at a circus will do. Actually, a big wooden catapult would suffice if there’s some resistance to a cannon being that close to an airport.

The cannon (or catapult) will contain my previously incinerated mortal remains, mixed with concrete and formed in to a cannon ball. After a few appropriate words are spoken about my heroic deeds in life, how I’m in a better place now and how people should smile when they miss me – boom goes the cannon. My concrete cannon ball will cut a graceful arc through the air and land out in the sea where it will provide the base for a new coral reef.

The concrete reef ball is a modification of my original plan. Initially, my thought was to have my embalmed, fully dressed remains fired from the cannon. However, given that I will be dead, I will likely not maintain an aerodynamic position throughout my flight. Seeing my remains flipping through the sky may be too much for my loved ones, who will be quite elderly by then. Several could die laughing at the sight. I don’t want that kind of situation on my conscience, even after I’ve expired.

I think this is unique enough that people will remember the event and remember me for a long time after I’m gone. I’m going to get someone working on the local permitting issues and finding a concrete finisher with a degree in mortuary arts to create my cannon ball.

Forty-seven years left. No need for anyone to rush to get started on this project.


30 Comments on “No, Don’t Bury Me. Here’s What I Want.”

  1. pegoleg says:

    Almost all young women now insist on wedding venues far from home so nobody elderly, poor or with young children can go. Now you’ve invented the Destination Funeral – sheer genius! This is gonna be big. Really big.

    • omawarisan says:

      Destination funeral is an idea I’m stealing from you.

      Weddings are such a huge racket. I don’t guess that’ll ever stop. Older people who remarry have the best weddings, I don’t care what Tiffany and her 12 bridesmaids say.

  2. List of X says:

    I once had a post on how to make a funeral fun. It was Freshly Pressed, and I got tons of additional suggestions. My favorite one was somewhat similar to your idea: cremate, stuff the ashes into fireworks, and shoot them out into the sky. Your idea is more practical, because then you’d be spending eternity near the beach, so it just might be my new favorite idea. However, the great thing about ashes, is that you don’t have to limit yourself to just one version of a funeral, and can do as many funerals as you want.

    • omawarisan says:

      Eulogy at the 32nd funeral – “what can we say about our friend Oma? Well, he didn’t understand the phrase “too much of a good thing”,”. The other person in attendance would nod and roll his eyes.

  3. I don’t have strong feelings one way or the other as to how my wife will take care of my funeral. Now that I’ve read your plans however, I’m thinking if you and I happen to croak around the same time, she can give me the Viking send off. As my burning boat drifts off into the sea, imagine how much my mourners will enjoy the spectacle of seeing a giant concrete ball of Oma ashes sink my flaming longboat! Cousin Olaf will be so proud.

  4. I was a little worried at the words “Head South” until I realized you were talking about your mourners’ destination, not your own.

    I plan to be cremated and have the ashes made into a diamond. Then my husband can wear me as a piercing somewhere tender. I will be an irritation to him in death as I was in life, and it will be like I never left.

  5. You know you watch too many shows with your 4 year old son when you see man made coral reef and immediately flash to an episode of Octonauts. Just when I thought I couldn’t get more lame than I am now

  6. Dan Hennessy says:

    The circus cannon is a good idea . Off we go , into the wild blue yonder ………

  7. Quite the sense of humor, or maybe rantings of a mad mind – not sure which yet. I guess I’ll have to keep on reading before I can make a final decision on that. I too wish to be cremated, but I think it is illegal in the US to spread someone’s remains out in the open…

    Just thinking..

  8. Blogdramedy says:

    Reblogged this on The Nudge Wink Report and commented:

    This week on The Nudge Wink Report, we reblog one of Oma’s latest posts from Blurt. Because it’s Saturday and it’s Oma’s turn at the wheel. Except we think he’s in the wrong car. Head over to NWR and “bury” him with comments.

  9. nikgee says:

    HaHaHa That great ! What a novel idea. Totally.I share you sediment on cremation. Its the only way to go. But here is where you leave me in the dust. No pun intended, well maybe. My thought is rather boring I was just going to have them take me out to the desert towards the Superstition Mountains on a windy and open the urn and let me go..nick

  10. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be remembered long after your cannonball version of you goes sailing through the sky and builds a coral reef. I’m liking the “destination wake” idea, too.

  11. gh0stpupp3t says:

    I want to buried in England. Or Newnarket (my home town) either is fine. I am not keen on cremation :/

  12. runsonsyrup says:

    This is fantastic. Though, it brings to mind a certain Miley Cyrus song…

  13. Pie says:

    That’s a well thought out funeral, with a nice nod to legacy with the concrete reef ball. Can I come (not for many years yet, obviously)?

    Personally, I’d like to be cremated, then have half my ashes set off in a firework (burn bright, bringing awe and wonder) and the other half poured into the Thames from Waterloo bridge (born a Londoner, die a Londoner).

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