An Open Letter To My Cat

Dear Cat,

You’ve been living with us for a few months. As you may know, this is the only time I’ve ever lived with a cat. The closest that I came to living with a cat before my wife and I adopted you was when I dated a girl who owned a cat when I was in college. Even though I didn’t live with that cat, he somehow found the opportunity and motivation to urinate on me.

Now, to be fair, that cat and I never really saw eye to eye. I get along with most people and animals. But as I think about those with whom I’ve shared a mutual dislike, I have to say that was the only situation where urine came in to play. That didn’t bode well for you and I getting along.

Our cat, Boog.

Our cat, Boog.

But we do get along, don’t we? I’d say that we do. I’ll admit that I like you more than I expected to when my wife brought up the idea of you moving in. Perhaps you feel the same; it’s hard to tell from the way you stare at me.

And that stare is the start of the things that I need to talk with you about. Staring is really uncool. It just shows bad manners and thus reflects poorly on your upbringing. You’re better than that and I’d like it if you’d stop staring at me. I’m not intimidated and you haven’t won a stare-down with me yet. I’d like you to consider not doing that anymore.

I am somewhat intimidated by whatever it is that you do after we go to bed. The sounds of you moving things around in the dark are confusing. It’s hard to tell exactly what you’re up to. When I turn on the lights you act like you’re not up to anything. I’m reassured that I don’t see you using any power tools and that all the knives are accounted for, but I’d appreciate it if you confined any construction projects you’re involved in to daylight hours.

Ahh, daylight hours. There’s another issue we should discuss. No one in this house except you wants to play at three a.m.. Bopping me in the face or getting in a fight with my sleeping wife’s arm doesn’t change that we like to sleep in the dark. That’s the way it is. Harsh? Sure. We buy the food and keep the heat on for you, we get to decide when we sleep.

And when we do get out of bed, zigzagging in front of our feet as we walk isn’t funny, it is dangerous. I am literally more than a dozen times your size. Trust me on that. I’m not one of those people who says the word literally when what I mean is figuratively. I am that much bigger than you. If I fall on you, it will be bad for the both of us. Knock it off.

Lastly, but no less importantly, we should discuss toilet habits. I like my privacy when I answer the call of nature. Your habit of pushing the door open and strolling in to the bathroom while I’m in there is decidedly not cool. I’ve been toilet trained for well over half a century and don’t need your judgmental stare while I’m sitting on the john.

What makes that situation worse is the, pardon the choice of words here, the shitty look I get when I happen to walk up on you in your litter box. It isn’t my fault that you choose to handle your business in a box in the hall. The fact is, I’m not nearly as curious about what you do in that department as you seem to be about what I do. But the sad fact is that until you do something like pick up a newspaper and head down the hall, I have no way to know that you’re going to be in your litter box until I walk up on you – at which time you give me the look I referred to earlier.

As I said at the beginning, I do enjoy having you in our home. You’re a good guy. But all relationships require addressing problems. I hope that you’ll consider this not so much as criticism, but as building a stronger rapport.




18 Comments on “An Open Letter To My Cat”

  1. Kavalkade says:

    You cat asked me to answer for him.

    1. He’s intimidated by your beard.
    2. He’s adjusting to new sleeping partners. In about never he will stop bopping you.
    3. He’s not an open field runner. He uses his blockers, like Barry Sanders. Picks his spots… Clearly you will never win the Super Bowl if you can’t practice basic plays during the offseason.
    4. Close the bathroom door? An open door is an invitation, his last boss had a sign, “my door is open” and it was open, so he went in.
    5. He likes his privacy. Put his litter box in the bathroom and close the door!

  2. Queen says:

    Has he learned how to unzip suitcases yet? Or open shoe boxes, spill out your leather shoes (his favorite) and use them first for scratching practice and then sleeping perches? how about look you in the eye when he knocks things down, just to see what you’ll do…Yeah, I thought not. You got a mild one there…

  3. mikegee64 says:

    Stop it.
    Just… Stop it

    While this is a funny blog, I am laughing AT you, not WITH you.

    You are a 53 year old man writing about your cat like some sort of 53 year old woman who has gonie back to college after her divorce and is taking Creative Writing 101… except at least your writing is good. What’s next? A story that just happens to to occur on the day Kennedy was assassinated? How about a story that ends up being “just a dream” at the end? And before you get any ideas, I was with you when both of your grandmothers and both of your grandfathers died… They are NOT interesting stories!

    Anyway, I laugh at your cat ownership just as you would if the roles were reversed! It is what brothers are for.

    • omawarisan says:

      Yeah, like someone who owns that dog of yours is in a position to speak? You’re not a man.

      • knace says:

        Sheesh, Oma, your brother is kind of harsh. Is he your older or younger brother? I for one, as a shlock writing 46 year old still- desperately- clinging- to- her -marriage woman, am laughing WITH you.
        And, a cat that sits on command is pretty damn impressive. =)

  4. Boog is quite adorable.
    But make no mistake…soon he will rule the world. Or at least your bathroom.

  5. Laughing Dragon says:

    Hilarious post. I loved how you captured that inner dialogue with pets. Been there.

  6. xacrest says:

    Ah, the initial stage of cat ownership: thinking that your cat will learn behaviours around your lifestyle. Followed eventually by the realization that it will not only be easier for you to adjust your lifestyle around the cat’s behaviour, but it will actually be feasible within your lifetime.

  7. List of X says:

    Your cat is not staring. He’s paying attention to you. And it’s not that easy to keep the cat interested.

  8. Blogdramedy says:

    Sounds like he’s a bit of a tom, your cat.

  9. I enjoy getting my Achilles sliced from under the couch while watch Bob Ross. Cats have a habit of sucking in all definable terms yet somehow still kinda kicking ass.

  10. LRose says:

    Just wait until Christmas when he’s had just about enough of that damn Angel on the top of the tree, sittin there, mocking him all the day long. Or, the day you decide it’s high time you rename him Barfy

  11. Pie says:

    A dog can glower at you and bare its teeth, but there’s something about a cat’s death-stare that digs deep, deep, deep into your marrow.

    As a previous cat owner I can tell you that, in spite of your impressive ability to get him to sit on command in that video, he WILL take over your home and you’ll be living by his rules. Get used to it.

  12. Esme pretends she can’t see us when she’s in the litter box. Has the cat started waking you up in the morning to be fed? That sucks when the time changes.

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