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Suing For Cream Cheese Frosting

My friends, I was wronged. For more than a week now, I’ve struggled with the shock of the deception perpetrated upon me.  I’ve told myself to put it behind myself. I can’t.

I can’t and I won’t.

On Easter, I enjoyed brunch with my wife at one of our favorite establishments. This restaurant (which I won’t name due to my intent to take legal action against everyone in the place who took part in wronging me) is a favorite of ours.

The icing carrot should be a sign that you’re getting the good stuff (image by Joe Mabel CCbySA3.0)

Easter was different than our usual visits. The food was still good. But instead of the usual menu, there was a huge buffet. And while I enjoyed the entrees and vegetables that I picked out, my mind was on the dessert table. Right in the middle of that table was a carrot cake.

I love carrot cake.

Carrot Cake Doesn’t Make Sense

Did I mention that I love carrot cake? I do.

A cake with vegetables in it should, in principle, be inedible. Vegetables and dessert should never mix. That is why dessert comes on a separate plate. And yet, vegetables and dessert merge beautifully in carrot cake. A pastry chef might explain that the cake works because of the natural sweetness of the carrots. I’d explain that I prefer to think of it as a miracle.

Carrot cake is a miracle. Turning vegetables into cake and turning water into wine – I can’t be the only one who sees the parallel. And consider the star of any carrot cake, cream cheese icing. What level of skilled alchemist did it take to turn cheese into a sweet accent for a vegetable dessert?

Yes, I love carrot cake. I do.

It Looked Perfect

And I knew that carrot cake was on the dessert table, on a pedestal above all the other confections.  I should have realized that one carrot cake would not handle the dessert needs of everyone in that restaurant. Carrot cake is a miracle, but it’s not exactly five loaves and two fish.

The carrot cake was gone when I returned. A pile of crumbs, a few nuts, and the dregs of some icing were all that remained on the pedestal. I went back to our table without what would have been the highlight of the meal. A waitress came by and asked if everything was OK. My wife took a shot at easing the pain of my loss.

“We saw a carrot cake earlier, but it’s gone. He loves carrot cake”. The waitress smiled. “No problem”, she said, “there were carrot cupcakes too, I’ll get you one.” In a moment, I had my cupcake.

Looks Can Be Deceiving

The cupcake was beautiful, a tiny carrot cake that seemed as if it was made just for me. The dark, rich cake. The smooth, off-white frosting. The little orange and green carrot made with piped icing to distinguish this cupcake from its brethren. But this cake was not made just for me.

A cake that was made just for me would have actual cream cheese icing, not cream cheese colored icing. White butter-cream icing does not go on a carrot cake, ever. I don’t know, but I feel certain that improperly icing a carrot cake would be grounds for dismissal from any reputable culinary school. If it isn’t, it should be.

What’s more wrong than carrot cake without cream cheese icing? Adding the little icing carrot on top. That icing carrot is a consumer’s assurance that all is right with their carrot cake – that it has the proper amount of sweet, cinnamon-y, moist goodness in the baked part of the dessert and that it is finished with cream cheese icing. By adding that decorative carrot, the chef deceived me into accepting a cake that he knew was substandard.

Chef, I Will See You (And Your Lying Pastry Bag) In Court

Adding the icing carrot to a substandard cake does not turn it in to the carrot cake that I love any more than gluing feathers on to a trout makes that fish into a chicken.

Your pastry bags lie, sir. (image by chmee2 CCbySA3.0)

A reasonable man can accept that a restaurant might only have a certain number of servings of a given food available. When those servings are gone, that same reasonable man can accept, with disappointment, that he will not enjoy that particular dish on that day.

I am, despite what others might tell you, a reasonable man. I was prepared to accept that I wasn’t having carrot cake. I was not prepared for, nor will I accept, being served an impostor cupcake. The orange and green icing carrot on my cupcake was a binding contract between the restaurant and me. It promised me the cake experience that I expected and paid for, but that promise was a deception.

The cake that I got was not capable of delivering on the promise made implicit by the presence of the icing carrot.

The restaurant wronged me, and I will not take this offense lying down. Legal action will follow.

No justice, no peace.

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5 Comments on “Suing For Cream Cheese Frosting”

  1. Reminds me of when I get what is called a Boston Creme doughnut and it is filled with white icing. It’s not even butter cream which is at least edible. it is the white sugar stuff that has me annoyed. I never thought of suing. Let me know how it works for you and I might follow suit!

  2. This is an outrage! How dare they sully a perfectly good carrot cake miracle with butter icing? I would say you have solid grounds for legal action. I may have nightmares about this tonight.

  3. Betty says:

    Carrot cake alone is good. But its main purpose in life is to deliver cream cheese frosting down the gullet.

  4. pegoleg says:

    I feel your pain – don’t get me wrong, I do. But I’m looking at things from the opposite end of the All-you-can-stuff-in-your-face-Easter-brunchapalooza spectrum. The carrot cake WAS THERE on the groaning sideboard of desserts. But I had just arrived when I first laid eyes on it. I got my protein before my dessert, like mama taught me.

    When I went back for round 2, it was gone. Oh, sure, other desserts took its place, but there was no more carrot cake to be had anywhere for the rest of the meal. And so I got none.

    Bait and switch or outright denial – hard to say which is the worse offense.

  5. robincoyle says:

    What is your opinion of zucchini cake? It is a similar marriage of vegetable and baked goods. And both MUST be slathered in an inch of cream cheese frosting!

    BTW . . . Our daughter is going to be deployed to Afghanistan in September. I’ll be doing a blog post about it, but since you were so kind when she went off to boot camp near you, I thought you would like to know.


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