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When I Am The Postmaster General

Yesterday, I was at the Post Office to mail a package. While I was there, I decided that there will be some changes made and I am the guy who is going to make them.

I wish they’d start using flying horses again. (image public domain)

Now, I know that the United States Postal Service is an easy target for a lot of folks. I happen to think very well of The Postal Service. For less than a buck they will take something from you and bring it to anyone you care to send it to. They’ll take it to that person’s house or their office; it doesn’t matter to The Postal Service, they’ll just get it there in a day or three. And if you have something bigger to send, they’ll get it there just as fast for a few dollars more.

First Things First

When I become the Postmaster General I won’t change anything that will affect the way the postal service moves things around the country. My first step will be to design a really cool Postmaster General uniform. The uniform will help you spot me so that you can buy me beverages while I regale you with my tales of postal adventure.

But the second change that I will make will make your visits to my post offices much more enjoyable. No, not more enjoyable than hanging out and having drinks with me while I’m dressed in my Postmaster General uniform, but more enjoyable than going to the post office is now.

This might be a direction my uniform could go. (image by Paul Hermans CCbySA3.0)

It has become disturbingly common for me to find myself in long lines at the post office. These lines aren’t caused by the clerks behind the counter; the problem comes from a few rude customers who do not address and seal their packages until they are at the counter

There is no reason that you should have to wait while someone writes an address on their package or asks to borrow some tape to close up a shipping box. Please note that I made a point of saying that you shouldn’t have to wait. That’s important because I won’t have to wait in line once I’m Postmaster General. But it’s nearly as important that you don’t get stuck behind some discourteous fool who can’t be bothered to tape his box shut before he leaves home. That’s why I’m going to arrange for a Table Of Shame in every post office.

The Table Of Shame

Any patron who reaches the counter with an unsealed or unaddressed package will, by policy, be sent to The Table Of Shame. The Table Of Shame will be under an intense spot light and will have signs around it so that there is no mistaking that anyone standing at that table should be ashamed of themselves. Also, it will have one leg that is shorter than the others.

The Table will be a work space where these offending customers may address and seal up their parcels without holding up courteous people like you. It will be stocked with tape dispensers that are perpetually nearly empty and pens that sometimes write.

Offending customers will be required to stand at The Table Of Shame until their package is ready for mailing and the clerks have handled the transactions of all the other customers who were in line behind them. Of course, all those customers who were in line at the time of the offense would be encouraged to add to the shame of any patrons at the table by showering them with derisive remarks.

One or two visits to The Table Of Shame will correct the behavior of even the rudest postal patron. Soon, unnecessarily long lines at the post office will be a thing of the past. Based on yesterday’s visit to mail my already addressed and sealed parcel, changing the behavior of these inconsiderate folks will save you about fifteen minutes each time you stop in for stamps or to mail a chicken.

I’m sure you’ll want to thank me for saving you so much time. Look for the guy with the cool uniform.

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6 Comments on “When I Am The Postmaster General”

  1. LRose says:

    “Table of Shame…” HA! Oh, wait. Why am I laughing? I’ve been sent there before by our neighborhood Post Office Commandant. I think he secretly wants all he detains there to also wear a Dunce hat.

  2. Dan Hen says:

    I don’t know about a table of shame with one bum leg . How about requiring them to dance either a samba or an Irish jig until everyone who was in line behind them is done ? It’d be more entertaining .

  3. GREAT idea! A trap door to drop people through might be nice as well. (It would be funnier if it made a toilet flushing sound as they went down, too.)

  4. My post office has a table exactly like this, minus the signs. They weigh the package, charge you for it, then send you to the table to do the rest. I had mine unsealed this morning because I needed to add a book of stamps to it. Forgive me, Oma, I am ashamed!

  5. April says:

    I love this idea. Can we also have a Table of Shame of sorts for people who berate cashiers to tears for prices they don’t set?

  6. Why one leg shorter than the rest, for this table of shame? I have several of those pens that write sometimes, and even a couple of those tape dispensers. Is the chicken dead or alive?


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