The Pumpkin Revolution Was Televised

For several years, I have railed against the endless surge of that seasonal decoration, pumpkin, into our food supply. And though some of you have made your support clear, I imagine that you’d understand how I felt I was sort of pissing into the wind.

Let’s pause here and wonder about why “pissing into the wind” is an expression. Sure, it expresses the misery of an effort expended with frustrating results. But I think we can do better than that as a reference. In fact, I think less of someone who would lower himself to saying that phrase. We’ll end the pause here, before either of us consider that last sentence.

My Friend John, Bearer Of Bad News

Thanks, John. I could have lived forever without knowing about this. (photo of my left hand, taken with my right)

So here I am, tossing my little anti-pumpkin bits up on my small-time humor blog year after year. And year after year pumpkin is appearing in more foods where it doesn’t belong. A great friend told me that pumpkin spaghetti sauce is on the market. I was horrified. My first reaction was “how dare you, sir”. And then I thought “don’t kill this messenger, he’s your friend”.

Let’s pause here and think about that killing messengers expression. I’ve killed so many messengers that I’m starting to run out of places to hide their bodies. From now on, I’m just going to lie to messengers about what the wind direction is blowing and let nature take its course*.

The futility of my efforts against pumpkin food was starting to discourage me. And then, because of those efforts, CBS got in touch with me. They asked to interview me about “the pumpkin thing”. I agreed, because I’ll pretty much talk to anyone who feels like chatting. About a week and a half ago, I met a reporter and a camera crew at a pumpkin patch. I wore an orange shirt to that appointment, because I’m all about irony.

I Got Poped

And then I announced to the world that my pumpkin interview was going to air last Wednesday. It seemed the reasonable thing to do, since that’s when the television producer told me that it would. What the producer and I didn’t count on was The Pope slipping into the country unannounced. CBS bumped me for a bigger name. So all my friends watched and recorded the news that morning; when I didn’t appear on their screens, they wanted to know why. And there I stood, with my pants around my ankles and wet legs. Stupid wind.

Well the wind has changed direction and I write this piece with dry legs. Yesterday, I was on CBS This Morning, talking about how this pumpkin thing must end. By last night, I heard that the story had aired on several local news stations around the country. I imagine it may make its way to your area’s news show over the next week or so, as your town’s news team runs out of “if it bleeds, it leads” stories.

We’re Mad As Hell, And We’re Not Gonna Take It Anymore, Pumpkin

After the interview, I heard from a few pumpkin fans who acted as if I’d slapped a pumpkin spiced latte out of their hand. That wasn’t surprising. The surprise was that I was flooded with messages of support. I heard from friends around the country who got a kick out of the piece and who said “you know, between us, this pumpkin in food thing is kind of out of hand”.

I feel as if the wind changed directions yesterday. I’m not alone. Lots of us feel the same about this over-the-top pumpkin mania. The fight goes on.

Yesterday, the revolution really was televised.

Today, it is on YouTube.

 

*John, you’re exempt from this idea.

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