Superman VS Batman. Why Are They Fighting??

Ads for the film Superman Vs Batman were prominently featured during the NFL playoff games. But the promotions and the premise of the film have left many with one huge question – Why are Superman and Batman fighting?

I did some investigation, including speaking with both superheroes, to get to the bottom of things. It was sad to learn that this feud has been going on for longer than most of us have realized. And thought they’ve been solving our problems for so long, it looks like the problems between Batman and Superman are too deep rooted for us to help them resolve.

For Superman, It’s All About Power

Before things got messy (image by postdlf/wikipedia)

“Look, the guy is a hero but there’s not a damned thing super about him”, Superman told me as he crystallized the issue between himself and Batman. “He’s got no real powers, just a bunch of gadgets and a mask. The other Superfriends – Aquaman, Wonder Woman and me, we were upfront about who we were. We didn’t hide behind some mask. And we’ve got powers – Aquaman can live under water and Wonder Woman…I mean, come on…you know what I’m talkin’ ’bout, am I right?”

Batman seemed to confirm that was a big part of the rift between them. “Yeah, yeah. Hero, but not a super hero. I’ve heard it from him over and over. It just got old. They say the Super Friends split up “to work on solo projects. Yeah, right, like we were the friggin’ Eagles, man. I’m telling you, it was his elitist attitude that did it.”

I Just Flew In From Poughkeepsie And Boy Are My Arms Tired

Wonder Woman concurred. “Every time we’d get together at The Hall Of Justice for a meeting, Superman would be all, like, “I’m sorry I’m a little late, I just flew in from”…wherever he was. And then he’d go “how’d you get here” knowing damned well that poor Batman drove himself, like he always does.  Superman was constantly throwing the flying thing in his face. One meeting, he refused to sit the entire time. He just hovered over his chair and stared at Batman.”

Hall of Justice, Hall of Disfunction (image via superheroshows.blogspot.com)

It became apparent that this rift over who is super and who is not is a big factor in the divide between The Caped Crusader and The Man Of Steel. In interviews with heroes and villains alike, I heard stories of loud arguments in The Hall Of Justice and a lack of cooperation in dangerous situations.

There are unconfirmed rumors of desperadoes who evaded capture while things got ugly between Batman and Superman.  And members of the Hall Of Justice maintenance staff depict the Super Friends as a dysfunctional group, torn apart by strife between its two most prominent members.

Batman – A Utility Belt Full Of Hand Sanitizer

“Superman is a total slob and Batman is an OCD germophobe”, one custodian told me. “Superman would shower and leave hair products all over the place. Batman would go in next and lose his mind.” Confronted with this information, Superman would only say “the guy is a stinkin’ millionaire; it wouldn’t break him to buy a freakin’ pair of shower shoes, would it?”

And of course, there were the persistent whispers that Wonder Woman was somehow responsible for some of the tension between Batman and Superman. Wonder Woman flatly denies any involvement with either of the men. Batman also denied it, saying that he had a “professional rapport” with Wonder Woman, that she was “all about Aquaman” and the Man Of Steel was always “creeping on her”.

In the end, Batman and Superman’s feud comes down to a lack of acceptance of each other’s differences and a lot of name calling between the two. Over the time I spent with them, I heard derogatory terms like “alien” and “caped clown”. Superman openly referred to Batman as a “rich, frat-boy amateur with too much time on his hands”. Batman told me he felt as if the caped crusader’s changing clothes in a phone booth routine was simply a ruse to cover his exhibitionism. “Come on, do you know anyone except him that truly misses phone booths? Those germy little boxes with their filthy phones…”, he pointed out, right before taking some hand sanitizer from his utility belt and compulsively disinfecting his hands.

So now we understand what was really going on behind the closed doors of The Hall Of Justice and why our heroes are fighting. I’m sure none of us feel as safe as we did before we learned that Batman and Superman not only can’t work together, but that they actually oppose one another.

It remains to be seen if they can pull things together before the world spins out of control.

 

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