Colonoscopy Prep – The Live Blog

Tomorrow, I’m having a colonoscopy.

I imagine at this point you’re asking yourself “who schedules something like that for New Years Eve?” Look, like a lot of stuff that I do, this seemed smart at one time. I can’t remember what seemed smart about this idea.

Anyhow, since I’ve been on a little writing break over the holidays, I thought “why not write about what’s happening today?” I invite you to refer back to the last paragraph about things seeming to  me to be a smart idea.

I’m going to update this through the day, because in my cranky, hungry state of mind it seems like the thing to do.

It is about 10 am. I last ate at 11 last night. I’m not really allowed to eat today. I get water, jello and broth. I jumped up and got out of the house early to run errands, but forgot to enjoy some jello.

Times like this remind me that food is very prevalent in our society. It is everywhere. There’s a restaurant on every corner. The radio constantly advertises places I could eat, if I could eat.

Also, there are no jello and broth restaurants. Note to self, open a jello restaurant catering to the untapped colonoscopy market.

Ok, I’m going to finish my errands before I have to go home and take my first dose of the medicine that starts the process. Come on back in a little while for more fun with cranky me.

10:45 – I’m at Home Depot; they don’t sell food here, right?

I just left Costco. Those sample ladies are pretty aggressive. The one with the chicken samples was really bad. Hey lady, panko bread this!

This is my last stop before I go home and turn the house into the thunder dome.

IMG_212611:30 – I’m home and enjoying a delicious bowl of jello. Speaking of jello, Bill Cosby is being arrested. That has nothing to do with colonoscopies, it’s more of a stream of consciousness thing.

For any of you who may have wondered, two little boxes of jello makes about two pounds of dessert…or as I like to call it, lunch.

I made my lunch yesterday. You might notice from the photo that I made layers – lemon, then lime. I’m creative like that.

When you do a colonoscopy, doctors don’t want you to eat or drink red stuff. Apparently we’re all red inside. When you eliminate shades of red in jello, you’re pretty much locked in to lemon and lime or whatever the blue stuff is.

IMG_212712:00 – I just took my first dose of magnesium citrate. Things will be getting real soon.

You know, the last time I had one of these procedures, the stuff they gave me to get things moving was terrible tasting. It scares me to say this, but this stuff wasn’t so bad.

I got a kick out of the label “The Sparkling Laxative”, but it was lemony and sort of refreshing. I’m happy to see that it is pasteurized. The last thing I want to do is drink something that’s unpasteurized that will cause me to spend my day on the toilet.

2:00 – All  quiet so far. Three pills the doctor’s office packed for me are now added to the mix, according to the directions. And the cable is out.

3:30 – The medicine has started working…

3:50 – It hasn’t been a problem, but for safety purposes, know that if you think you only have to fart, you don’t.

4:00 – Time for the second bottle of “The Sparkling Laxative”. I notice that it comes with a money back guarantee. I don’t think that I will be making a claim on that guarantee.

5:45 – Well, it seems I really am full of it. Well, usually I am. I’m going to be empty tomorrow. If you see me then, I won’t be full of it and won’t put up with you telling me that I am.

6:15 – I think the bidet is an under rated plumbing fixture.

Most of the time I don’t think about bidets. Under the circumstances, I think it is reasonable to do so.

This isn’t to say that I have any practical experience with the bidet. I’ve never been in a bathroom that had one. But it is a darn fine idea and I think it is time for us all to have one.

6:30 – I want food. Bad. How bad? Our cat is in danger.


Look, I’m not saying I’m proud of it. I’m just saying that he’s already thawed out.

9:00 – I’m in this weird place where I know I should be hungry, but I’m not. I can’t explain why. I even watched a Food Network show with no ill effects. I think my stomach’s spirit is broken. I’ll rebuild its spirit with a cheeseburger right after I get out of recovery.

It is the next morning. My appointment is in an hour. If we don’t get out of here soon, the cat is in real jeopardy. 

I’m Sorry. You Were Right. I Was.

Lots of people say it. They’ll say it to my face. I’ve gotten it at work, I’ve heard it at home. My friends have told me.

I’ve denied it. Without exception, every time they’ve said it, I have said it isn’t true. Perhaps I knew it was so. Maybe I just didn’t want to believe it could be true. I denied it. I ignored the pressure within; the pressure that told me it was true.

Perhaps it’s just that it sounds harsh. Even when people laugh while they’re saying it, even when the context is friendly, it sounds harsh. I didn’t want that. It’d be awful if it were true, so it couldn’t be. Read the rest of this entry »

Don’t Touch Me There: Seeing My Doctor For A Check Up

I recently had my yearly get together with my physician. It was a delightful event, as usual.

He flipped through my chart and made small talk with me based on what he had written down there the last time I was in. I am never sure why he does this. I know there is no way he remembers me any more than the next guy who shows up and takes his pants off. I wonder how funny it would be if I brought a folder with his name written on it to my next appointment. I could flip through some pages and say “I see that the last time I was here you put on a rubber glove, then told me to bend over and grab the table.” Read the rest of this entry »