My Ultimate “I Won’t Eat That” Menu

We’ve all been in situations where we’ve had to force down a food that we did not like because of where we were.

Well, let’s not be hasty, soldier. (public domain)

For example, when I was in high school, I had dinner at my girlfriend’s house. Her mom was a very nice lady who had no way of knowing that I’d never eaten asparagus before that night and that my first encounter wouldn’t be a good one. Employing the strategy of taking more of the foods that I liked and minimizing my serving of asparagus got me through the meal with minimal gagging.

But, I did force myself to eat the asparagus. That leads to an interesting question presented to me recently:

“Is there a meal that someone could serve you at their home that would make you say “I can’t eat anything you’ve cooked”?”

The meal would consist of five items – an appetizer, two vegetables, a main course, and a dessert.

All five dishes would have to be things that I could not force myself to take a taste of, as I did with Holly’s mother’s asparagus.

After some consideration, I’ve been able to design a menu that is perfectly suited to make me violate the societal norm of eating at least a bite of whatever my hosts prepared.

Appetizer – Escargot

There are few things on Earth more repulsive than snails. As a matter of fact, the only thing more repulsive than a snail is a slug. Slugs are just snails that don’t have the decency to cover up half of their disgusting selves with a shell. Slugs are so disgusting that even the French can’t eat them.

The idea of escargot is horrifying. I would be so disgusted by their presence that I would have to just pour myself a glass of wine and wait in another room until that course was over.

Vegetable 1 – Mushrooms

Mushrooms. Poison. (public domain)

Mushrooms are not edible. Is it that they’ve got the word mush in their name? I don’t know. Maybe it’s those kids stories where mushrooms are poison. Perhaps it is that some of them really are poison.

I don’t eat poison.

I don’t eat mushrooms.

Vegetable 2 – Lima Beans

Lima Beans. I would rather eat a bowl of pennies. (image by Sanjay Archaya)

Lima beans are big. Big food is good, if it is good food. Lima beans are bad food.

I suppose they are nutritious. What good is being nutritious if the nutrients can’t get into my body because they are not tasty?

I’ve tried them, it didn’t go well. Fool me once, shame on you lima beans. Fool me twice? Not happening, lima beans.

Main Course – Flounder

I don’t eat fish. No, not even mild fish. No, not shrimp. No fish, ever.

Flounder. Lazy, good for nothing freaks. (public domain)

Flounder is particularly disturbing to me. It has two eyes, which eventually move to one side of its head. Once a flounder’s eyes move this slacker of a fish lays around on the sea floor. Periodically it jumps up in to the path of smaller fish as they swim by. The small fish die from the horror of seeing this Elephant Man of a fish and the flounder eats them.

Survival of the fittest I get, but this is going too far. Even if I ate fish, I would not respect flounder enough to consume them.

Dessert – Flan

It’s  hard to choose a dessert that I’d turn my nose up at. Coconut cake almost made the list. Unfortunately, I’ve choked that down in the past and could do it again if I had to, so it doesn’t fit the terms of the question

In the end, I had to go with flan. I’ve never eaten flan. I like custard and I understand that flan is sort of like a custard. Even with that knowledge, flan makes my “I’m not eating that” menu. Why?

Flan. Snobby pudding. (image by Boku Alec CCbySA3.0)

Because flan is always that flan shape. You know what I’m talking about; it looks like the bottom third of a cone. Always, always shaped like flan. In the end, flan is pudding. The top two puddings in my world – chocolate and banana – are both shapeless but delicious blobs.

Flan is too snooty to be a tasty blob. I don’t eat snooty desserts. I won’t eat flan.

So my “I won’t eat that” menu opens with snails. The main course is flounder, with mushrooms and lima beans followed by that snooty flan shaped dessert, flan. If any of you are planning to invite me over for dinner and I’ve guessed what you were planning to serve, I’m sorry. I will still attend and be as charming and grateful a guest as possible.

I’ll bring the wine. Lots of it.

And probably a protein bar.

What’s Your “I Won’t Eat That” Menu?



If You Give A Muffin MRSA

A muffin, presumably without MRSA. (image public domain, wikimedia)

I respect people who work in restaurants and bars. Waiting tables, preparing meals and tending bar are physically demanding jobs that put the people who do them in touch with some unpleasant, ungrateful people.

That said, there are certain things that are uncool for them to do. Once, I walked past a guy smoking while he sat on a trash can in front of a sandwich shop. He came in to make my sandwich and didn’t bother washing his hands. I realized in that moment that I was mistaken about being hungry.

I’ve also started walking out of restaurants if I realize that someone involved in handling my food has those long fake fingernails. I’m not a germ freak, but those nails just seem like big ladles of e-coli.

Just The Other Day

I’m usually a light breakfast guy when I’m at home; sometimes I even skip it. But if I’m out, I have to stop and eat breakfast. And so it was that I found myself at Panera Bread. Read the rest of this entry »

What Is The Universal Donor?

I don’t like fish.

fish in the seafood section in the Han Ah Reum...

I’m sure they’ve got a lovely, mind taste. No, I don’t want to try some. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As individuals, I’m sure they’re just fine. Collectively, as a food source, I’m not a fan of them. You won’t see a seafood block on my personal food pyramid. I don’t like fish. I won’t eat them.

Not eating seafood places me in the minority. Once, I was shy about that. Younger me went through a period of telling people that I was allergic to fish. That seemed easier at first. Then I realized that making that statement garnered further questioning – Read the rest of this entry »

Fast Food & Fake Fingernails

Say hi to pseudomonas (image via CDC/wikimedia)

I don’t always eat fast food. But when I do, it won’t be served by anyone with those long fake fingernails. I think they are unsanitary and have no place around anything I am going to consume.

I’m taking a stand, and hope you will too.

Just Yesterday Morning

I was out-of-town yesterday morning. I got up, left my hotel and stopped at a fast food restaurant to grab something to eat on the way home. At the counter, I ordered while looking up at the menu. As I told the woman taking my order what I wanted, she entered it into her register. I heard the tell-tale tap tap tap of what I knew were ridiculously long fingernails on the plastic surface of the register. The sound made my stomach lurch. Those things creep me out.

Read the rest of this entry »