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Be Quiet And Eat Your Cranberry Sauce

A re-write of the most horrifying Thanksgiving story ever told. EVER told. Emphasis on EVER.

Today’s tale has all the elements of a great story – romance, family, a villain, a military hero, death, horror, and home-made cranberry sauce. Before you read this, know that when I say it is a great story I do not mean it is good literature. It is a great story in that it is a great one to tell after a few beers.

When this happened, I was in my early twenties. In my twenties, I was a lot like middle-aged me, except that young me was more mild-mannered than older me. People who know me well would tell you that I can be reserved sometimes. If you wanted to calculate who I was when this tale occurred, simply deduct thirty-something years of experience and confidence from a low-key middle-aged guy. Read the rest of this entry »

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For Father’s Day

For Mother’s Day, I posted a link to one of my Mom’s favorite posts. It seems fair to do the like for Father’s Day.

For Dad, I’m going to send you back to a story of four generations, two fig trees and a washing machine.

Sometimes fruit falls far from the tree.

Thanks Dad.


Hey, Pumpkin.

Pumpkins, photographed in Canada.

Hey Pumpkin, know your role (Image via Wikipedia)

Hey, Pumpkin. It is the time of year when you become a trendy food ingredient.

Pie. Soup. Casserole. Beer. Bread. The list of foods that you add nothing to goes on and on.

I oppose your presence in all these foods.

Stop It. You Are Not Food. You Are A Decoration.

The orange food group is quite limited. Carrots, sweet potatoes, oranges. Beyond that, there isn’t much interest. Some people would add Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to that list. To those people, I say slow down and unwrap.   Read the rest of this entry »


White Christmas Killing Thousands Across The South

Snow across several southern US states, including North Carolina, has given many people their fondest wish, a White Christmas. Sadly, this White Christmas will be the last Christmas for so many.

Bing’s Song Of Starvation

WHITE CHRISTMAS

Laugh you bastard, laugh. (Image by Zellaby via Flickr)

Sentimental southerners have, for years, heard Bing Crosby and others sing of how wonderful it is to have snow on Christmas. They were lured by Bing into believing this was a good idea despite the fact that on all other days of the year, they both hate and fear frozen precipitation. Read the rest of this entry »


The Funeral Home & Christmas Tree Lot.

Perhaps it is the part of town I work in. Perhaps it is because entrepreneurial folks are always looking for a new opportunity. Maybe I spend too much time driving. Whatever the reason, I seem to run across a lot of businesses that combine profit-making ideas in strange ways.

For Example…

I can take you to places where you can get a mobile phone while you buy clothes, auto parts or as you dine on a variety of cuisines.

I know where there is a Burger House and Limousine Service. They already owned a restaurant; then, they got a good deal on a big car. If they wash their hands between changing the antifreeze and flipping burgers I suppose that will all work out for them.

The Ice Cream Parlor and Hair Salon combination bothered me more. I never went in that place. I couldn’t drive by it without getting that sensation like I had a hair on my tongue. Read the rest of this entry »


Cultivating Candy Corn: Your Questions Answered

Not many people are aware of my extensive work with plants. During my horticultural education, candy corn cultivation became a passion of mine. I’ve pursued that passion for most of my adult life.

We’re all friends here, so I’m going to share a little of my knowledge on the topic to help you turn some heads at the upcoming Halloween parties. Pass on what I tell you here and you will be the talk of any gathering.

Photosynthesis, The Key To Everything

Candy Corn creates sugars through photosynthesis. That in itself is not surprising, nor is the fact that it stores those sugars in its fruit. What is remarkable is this particular plant’s efficiency in creating those sugars.

A simplified diagram of photosynthesis. Redraw...

Image via Wikipedia

My research has proven that a candy corn plant creates vegetable sugars at a rate over eight times what we’d expect from a common corn plant. This accounts for the larger sized kernels as well as the difference in texture and flavor from those of traditional corn plants. Read the rest of this entry »


Hey, Pumpkin.

Know your role, Pumpkin (image bdesham via wikipedia)

 

Hey, Pumpkin. It is the time of year when you become a trendy food ingredient.    

Pie. Soup. Casserole. Beer. Bread. The list of foods that you add nothing to goes on and on.    

I oppose your presence in all these foods.    

Stop It. You Are Not Food. You Are A Decoration.

The orange food group is quite limited. Carrots, sweet potatoes, oranges. Beyond that, there isn’t much interest. Some people would add Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to that list. To those people, I say slow down and unwrap.   Read the rest of this entry »