Art Critcism: Rodeo Cowboy With A Mona Lisa Smile

The art series rages on with another reader submitted painting.

All I know is that this painting comes from a restaurant. Given the presence of a cow and its boy, I think we can assume it is hanging in a steak house. It could be in a seafood restaurant, but I think that a painting of a rodeo would only hang in the most twisted of seafood joints. Read the rest of this entry »

Tonight, You’re Someone.

When I was new in the career that I am now an old man in, I worked for an old man who watched over me and my peers. He knew we knew a lot less than we thought we did and it was his job to fill in the holes in our knowledge.

Sometimes he told us what we needed to know in a meeting. There were times he’d see that my ego was ahead of my ability and he’d correct that pretty directly – it didn’t matter who was there to hear it.

And then there were times when he would do things and none of us knew what he was thinking.

Early One Morning

I’d been working for a few months and went on a call at a house I knew was used for gambling. An anonymous caller said that an elderly man was unconscious on the front porch. This was not an unusual occurrence at this location, they’d toss drunks out all the time. This time, it was unusual.

He was dead. Read the rest of this entry »

My Half Of An Awkward Conversation That Hasn’t Happened, Yet.

Yes, this does embarrass me. It is pretty awkward.

I know.

Well, I guess about twenty-six years or so, right? I mean we both got here at about the same time. Yeah, the whole time.

Mulva? (

No, I didn’t just forget. Honestly, I’ve never known. I’m sure someone told me once. I forgot back then and it snowballed from there.

You’ve been very nice. It certainly isn’t your fault. For what it is worth, you’re not the only one. I’m sort of not good like that.

I am really sorry.

I know, but what else am I going to say?

Can I just say something in my defense? Thanks. I just thought I’d point out that I was pretty sure you didn’t work here anymore.

Well, it means that I don’t think all twenty-six years are my fault. Why would I try to find out if I thought I would never see you in the hall?

I know, I am grasping at straws. I spent all my energy hiding the fact that I did not know for all these years. I didn’t get around to contingency planning for things like you figuring it out.

No.  No idea. No, you didn’t do anything. I just forgot and you were very nice whenever I needed help. After ten years of you being nice and me not knowing, how on earth could I just go on and ask you something like that. A normal person would have found out so he could have a normal conversation like he does with Donna and John and all the rest of the people in your section.

Mmm, yeah, perhaps listing their names isn’t helping things. But you know how John talks about himself in the third person? “John will get that for you.” “John thinks Duke is going to win the ACC Tournament this year.” Of course I’m going to remember that, it’s too weird to forget.

Nice to see you again, I mean despite the whole not learning your name for twenty-six years thing.

I know, not funny.

Well, have a nice day…You.

Hey, Pumpkin.

Pumpkins, photographed in Canada.

Hey Pumpkin, know your role (Image via Wikipedia)

Hey, Pumpkin. It is the time of year when you become a trendy food ingredient.

Pie. Soup. Casserole. Beer. Bread. The list of foods that you add nothing to goes on and on.

I oppose your presence in all these foods.

Stop It. You Are Not Food. You Are A Decoration.

The orange food group is quite limited. Carrots, sweet potatoes, oranges. Beyond that, there isn’t much interest. Some people would add Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to that list. To those people, I say slow down and unwrap.   Read the rest of this entry »

My Audition For Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (Part 1)

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? (UK game show)

Obviously the answer is me. (Image via Wikipedia)

Last week I mentioned to those of you who follow me on Twitter that I was trying out for the game show “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” Since this tale would be several hundred tweets long, I’ll fill you in here.

My head is full of useless things. I know scraps of information about a lot of stuff. I don’t know enough about any of that stuff to actually be productive, unless you define productivity as being able to administer some truly medieval beatings to people in trivia contests. My head is so full of these scraps that I have no room for things that are important – things like mathematics and people’s names. Read the rest of this entry »

The Vacation Superstition


I am not scared (Image via Wikipedia)

I like to think of myself as a guy who reasons things out based on facts. Maybe that is why I don’t really buy in to all the classic superstitions we’re all told are bad luck. Friday the 13th is just another day. Black cats are like white cats, only black. Breaking mirrors isn’t a problem, once you put aside the expense and the mess.

That’s not to say that I’m not superstitious. I just make up my own. I’ve got a big pile of them. I follow them religiously and they all can lead to disaster if not followed.

The Vacation Superstition

Vacations trigger one of my most closely followed superstitions. I do not speak of my vacations at work before I leave. Ever. Bad things happen to me when people know I’m leaving.

At first, I noticed this effect in my work load. I would let it be known I was going to be away and I’d get a last-minute project. I’d often barely be able to get it done before I had to leave on my trip. I perceived this as a problem with management and found ways to avoid that problem. I soon learned that my perception was way off. Read the rest of this entry »

The One That Got Away

She was everything I’m not supposed to have.

She was fast.

She was sleek.

It Starts


High Maintenance (Image via Wikipedia)

I don’t usually go for high maintenance types. As soon as I saw her sitting there I was prepared to break my rule. She had the same unapproachable look I’d seen before. The difference was that this time, something about this one made her feel different. Like maybe this time it could happen. Read the rest of this entry »

The Effect X-Rays Of Buttocks Have On This Blog

XRay tech

People are dying because they can't get health care and some poor x-ray tech was forced to do a recreational x-ray of a rich girl's glutes. (Image by Muffet via Flickr)

Kim Kardashian, who is famous for no good reason, made news this week by announcing that her backside was real and posing next to an x-ray that supposedly proves it. It never occurred to me to ask if her butt was real. I don’t know anyone who cared.

I am not going to put up a picture of her, her tush (ok, yeah, same thing) or the purported x-ray. I will ask you to let me know if any of you:

A) can sort normal from abnormal buttocks using x-ray images


B) really care about her butt


C) questioned the veracity of her hiney and forced her to defend her honor with a visit to the radiology department. Read the rest of this entry »