“We Raised An Idiot”

I woke up to the news that a University of Virginia student, Otto Warmbier, was detained by the North Korean government as he was leaving that nation after a visit. The North Koreans said he’d entered the country with “the intention of destroying the country’s unity”

339px-north_korean_propaganda_poster2c_circa_1951_28681549651829

What about this says “Welcome!”? (image via USMA Archive CCbySA2.0)

Now, I’m sure that our government is doing everything it can to get Mr. Warmbier back across the Pacific quickly, so he doesn’t have to take incompletes on all his spring semester classes. We should all expect that sort of help when we’re in a jam; whether we travel to North Korea for a lovely beach vacation or to destroy some unity.

Nice Choice, Otto

But how far should the government go to rescue a young man who made a questionable vacation choice which put him in harm’s way? If Warmbier and his family have the money to send him to North Korea, we can reasonably infer that money could have been spent sending him somewhere less perilous. Being a tourist in a nation that has detained a number of your countrymen seems a bizarre choice. And when I say “bizarre”, what I mean is “stupid”. Read the rest of this entry »


An Open Letter From The US To Kim Jong Un

Dear Kim Jong-un,

Kim Jong-Un clapping

Hi, it’s us, the US… (Photo credit: petersnoopy)

Hey, we wanted to drop you a note about your country’s threat to “…exercise the right to a preëmptive nuclear attack.”

You know, we’re all down with countries looking after their own interests and borders. It’s cool that your country does that. Maybe you’ll be upset by us saying this, but we do that sort of thing too. Our methods are a little different, but our nations are alike in that general respect.

Ah, respect. That’s pretty important to us both as well. Do you know why we respect you? Because of your choice of Dennis Rodman as your friend and favorite basketball player. Read the rest of this entry »


Why The North Korean Rocket Launch Failed

The world watched with kimchi bated breath as North Korea prepared and then launched a rocket which, if successful, would give that nation the ability to rain destruction down upon nations around the planet. Less than two minutes after the rocket left the launch pad, it broke up and fell harmlessly into the ocean.

So now the world has stinky kimchi breath and one big question – why did North Korea’s rocket explode? I am ready to answer that question for you.

I am also going to show you why the nation’s leader Kim Jong Eun is taking a bum rap for this disaster.

Analysis Of The North Korean Unha-3 Rocket

My close friends know that I wear many hats. Sometimes I wear them because I don’t want to get sunburn. Other times, my many hats are a metaphor for the fact that I know a lot of stuff and hold many titles. One of my titles is Rocket Surgeon. As a result, I’m well qualified to explain this event to you.

Here is a picture of the rocket:

(image via space.com)

As you can see, the rocket is designed to be pointy at the front just as all good rockets should be. There are some Korean characters on the side, but they are of no consequence to the rocket’s design because I do not know what they mean.

What is really critical is that there is fire shooting out of the bottom of the space craft. Fire shooting out of the bottom of a rocket fulfills two purposes: it moves the vehicle up and forward and it makes it look very cool.

The rocket was pointy, with fire. It had everything it needed for success. Read the rest of this entry »


When I Am Rich: Cool Kim Jong Il Car

What a cool idea. (image via lincolnvscadillac.com)

I think it is only proper to start out by expressing my condolences to the Kim family in North Korea. What a bummer to have, in the midst of the holiday season, lost a patriarch and a fashion icon. A moment of silence, please.

Enough of that. I thought coverage of the funeral in North Korea was riveting. By riveting, I think I mean I saw a really cool idea. An idea that I will throw a ton of my blog profits into. I am really into that car with that giant, framed painting of Kim mounted on the roof. I’m going to get one. Not of him, of me.  I’ll probably get more than one, because I think it is such a cool thing.

Yeah, That Car

That cool car with the giant painting was the star of the funeral. How could a guy who had built such a cult of personality around himself miss out on the value of the giant painting car while he was alive? I will not miss the opportunity of riding around in my own such car. Read the rest of this entry »


Keeping Up With The Kims: My Son The General

PYONGYANG. President Putin with North Korean l...

I imagine the guy with the red stripe on his hat whispering "left...a little to the left...you're almost off the carpet sir" (Image via Wikipedia)

 

North Korean Leader Kim Jong Il has had his son promoted to general as part of the process to place him in line to succeed him as the leader of that country.  

This seems to be a good idea. Read the rest of this entry »