If George Bush Did A Parachute Jump

I don’t think much of politicians. Once you get away from them, I’m really loathe to lump people into a group. But I’m not shy about saying that I don’t think much of people who run for office. I’ve never met a politician who had all the answers. I’ve never known one who didn’t think they were the one who had all the answers.

There are no recorded incidents of George Bush throwing up on the Pope. (image public domain)

That said, the news that former president George H.W.  Bush parachuted from a helicopter to celebrate his ninetieth birthday is the inspiration for me to start planning my own ninetieth birthday stunt. This is the only time I have ever been inspired by a politician.

The choice of a skydive seems a natural choice for the WW II fighter pilot turned president. He’d jumped seven times before, including once when his plane was shot down over the Pacific. I think it would have been funny if he’d celebrated by reprising the 1992 incident where he vomited on the Prime Minister of Japan.

Time To Plan

Ninety years old is a few years away for me, but it’s never too early to start planning. Like Bush, I had a cool career job title. While ex-fighter pilots can fly a private plane or skydive, there is no recreational equivalent for retired hostage negotiators like me. I won’t be able to arrange for a despondent person to take hostages in a convenience store to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.

So I’ve got thirty-seven and a half years to dream up my ninetieth birthday stunt. Read the rest of this entry »


When I Am Rich: Opposition Research

The western front of the United States Capitol...

Not a lot of good happening in here. (Image via Wikipedia)

I don’t think well of politicians. I’ve not known many who have given me reason to change my position. The optimist in me insists that I keep my eyes open just in case a good one comes along.

So far, a good one hasn’t come along.

Election season is here in the US, and the airwaves are full of people circulating ideas about their opponents and the nation. I’m about sick of hearing them.  I’m sick of everything about this election except  for the concept of opposition research.

Opposition research is the practice of poking around in an opposing political candidate’s background to find unflattering information on that opponent. That information is doled out to the press and the public to gain an advantage over that rival. While I don’t like politicians, nor how they operate, I do like the idea of having an opposition research staff at my disposal. When this blog makes me rich, I am going to hire people to do opposition research for me.

Who Are My Opponents?

It is natural to wonder who I would have my staff dig up dirt on. After all, who really opposes me? I know, it’s just a silly, trick question. No one would dare oppose me. But my wealth and fame will change some people’s reaction to me. I really should be ready to trash them. Read the rest of this entry »


Perhaps…

…this is a day for quiet remembrance, not chest thumping. Read the rest of this entry »


The Beginning Of The End Of The Donald Trump Campaign

I make it a point to avoid politics. I was taught at a young age that politicians are suspect characters on their best days. I’ve never met a politician on their best day.

Donald Trump

Goodbye! (Image by Gage Skidmore via Flickr)

Despite my effort to remain apolitical, a recurring story in the US political news has caused me some concern. Apparently, Donald Trump is preparing to run for president. I have a hard time thinking of someone more despicable than Mr. Trump. After consulting some high level political minds, I realize that I must do something more than use my one vote.

That something starts today. I am announcing that I am running for president in direct opposition to Donald Trump.

Read the rest of this entry »


My Online Press Conference

News Conference: Announcement of the Laureates...

Your questions are welcome. (Image via Wikipedia)

Today, I am holding my first online press conference. I will enter the room at the appointed time and respond to your questions following a prepared statement.

Please, take your seats ladies and gentlemen as we switch to our reporter in the Press Room at Blurt World Headquarters who will set the stage for us. Read the rest of this entry »


Mayor McCheese – The Greatest Politician, Ever.

I took an extra day off recently. I spent the day running a few errands. This gave me a chance to grab some lunch with the Omawari-son.

While we were picking at some fried okra and waiting for our barbecue, we were talking about some sort of foolishness that led to me mentioning Mayor McCheese. My son laughed and we batted the name back and forth, then he started talking about what Mayor McCheese might be made of. He described some sort of grilled cheese sandwich with feet. Read the rest of this entry »


Requirements for my speaking engagements

Sure, bendy straws. Whatever you want.

Recently there was much ado in the news about the rider to Sarah Palin’s speaking engagement contract. In it, she requested some specific things like bendy straws, specific air travel requirements and pre-screened questions.

I am not a Palin fan. The last time I wrote anything that was thought to be anything but overwhelmingly positive about her I got hate mail. Somehow that didn’t change my mind. I’m bringing her up now because, since she and I are both in the business of advancing silly opinions in public, her contract has me thinking of updating my requirements for future speaking engagements.

Please be advised that this is not my complete list of requirements. I reserve the right to add conditions as I develop needs or just feel like being capricious about things. Read the rest of this entry »


Joe Biden, Me and Spontaneous Potty Mouth

Fuck yeah Joe!

So, the Health Care Bill passed into law here in the US. An opening like that is often a cue for people to start debating the bills merits, or, more likely, begin calling each other names. So I’m just going to say I’m glad it happened and I’m not going to try to talk anyone to my way of thinking about it. At the same time, I don’t think it is anyone’s place to talk me out of my thoughts.

What I’m really here to discuss today is Vice President Joe Biden’s pronouncement to President Obama that “this is a big f-ing deal.”

I’m sure some are howling about his choice of words. Let’s face it, sometimes people use the bad words. What I like is that Biden’s slip validates that we all get excited and say things sometimes. Read the rest of this entry »