Only God Can Judge Me.

Gavel & Stryker

No, I’m pretty certain I can judge you, kid. (Photo credit: KeithBurtis)

The other night, I saw a man with a tattoo that said “only God can judge me”. I wondered how that related to me.

It could be that he does not fully appreciate my ability to judge others, including him. I examine people and decide how I feel about them. That judgment is not always correct. I’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that I was wrong. A few times, disappointed.

The fact is, I am able to judge him.People judge each other. Making judgments about people is a survival skill. Do I trust this person? Should I be around them, or get away? Valid judgments we (and he) make all the time.

It is this judge’s opinion that this tattooed young gentleman judged (or, more correctly, misjudged) me and my ability to judge him. So, in my judgment, he is a hypocrite for judging me.

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Opportunity Knocks – My Proofreading Business

A recent news story of a misspelled tattoo got me to thinking about an old money-making idea. I went back, did some editing and brought it back.

I have a franchise business plan that will make me obscenely wealthy. Even if it only makes me fabulously well off, it will pay off in enough laughs to make it worth while.

My new business will be a proofreading service for dumb people. Why? Because dumb people insist on using words.

People who wear these caps need our help and have money to pay for it. (public domain via wikipedia)

Every day, dumb people get tattoos, make signs and deliver messages with words that they are not qualified to use. By putting a proofreader in places where dumb people might use words, I will be ready to help protect them from themselves (and rake in the bucks).

IPY

Here is how the business, called I Proof You (IPY) will work. Let’s imagine that there is an I Proof You franchise in a tattoo shop. A young man comes in to get some ink. Let’s say he is the young man I ran across the other day. The IPY representative would offer to proofread the text of his design for spelling errors, double meanings and other mistakes which could lead to permanent embarrassment for him. Read the rest of this entry »


How To Know When You’re About To Make A Mistake

We all make mistakes. Perhaps opening with a throwaway cliché is a mistake. If it is, I’ve proven the thesis in my first sentence. Sadly, it is too soon to stop writing.

Mistake. (Image by MesserWoland via Wikimedia)

Yes, everyone makes mistakes. You, me, them, everybody does it.

Most of us learn from our mistakes.  Some learn from the mistakes of others. Some learn nothing from their mistakes; their lives are a series of successive disasters. If you pay attention, you can learn a lot from folks who never get smarter from their own errors.

Certain mistakes are hard to miss. Though I am not gifted with the power to see into the future, I can spot some of those mistakes before they happen. The problem is, I usually can’t stop people from making these unfortunate choices. Poor choices are just so…tempting.

As a public service, I’m going to lay out two elements that are usually good, until they’re combined. Together, they are a sign of an impending mistake. Read the rest of this entry »


The Polices Of My Administration: No Shirtless Men

Summer brings a phenomena that my administration will not tolerate – shirtless men in public view.

The motivation for these men to go naked from the waist up varies. Some do it to control their body temperature. Some, because they believe it projects a tougher image. A growing number do it to show off a tattoo. All these men have one thing in common – they are all misguided.

Let’s look at these men. We’ll take that look figuratively. Literally avoiding seeing them is the point of the policy.

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Soulja Boy – stop texting me.

Dude, how about not texting me in the middle of the night? Now bird walk over to the sink and wash your neck.

This morning I woke up and checked my phone. Apparently Soulja Boy Tell ’em  is trying to get in touch with me again.

I was a little surprised the first time it happened. Soulja Boy and I have not really been that close before. All the same, there was the text message again: “Soulja Boy Tell ’em sent you a message. Call 678-999-xxxx to listen.” Read the rest of this entry »


I Proof You

I have a franchise business plan that will make me obscenely wealthy. Even if it only makes me fabulously well off, it will pay off in enough laughs to make it worth while.

People who wear this hat need our help.

My new business will be a proofreading service for dumb people. Why? Because dumb people insist on using words.

Every day dumb people get tattoos, make signs and deliver messages with words that they are wholly unqualified to use. By putting a proofreader in places where dumb people might use words, I will be in a position to help protect them from themselves (and rake in the bucks).

IPY

Here is how the business, called I Proof You (IPY) will work. Let’s imagine that there is an I Proof You franchise in a tattoo shop. A young man comes in to get some ink. Let’s say he is the young man I ran across the other day. The IPY representative would offer to proofread the text of his design for spelling errors, double meanings and other mistakes which could lead to permanent embarrassment for him.

Because you are a bright person, you might ask “if he is dumb, why would he be smart enough to pay for someone to proofread his tattoo before he gets it?” The answer is simple, IPY’s slogan “Pay us now, or we will work for free later.” What that will come to mean to the potential IPY customer is that, if he chooses not to pay for our service, we will tell him as he leaves the shop what his tattoo really means to people who are literate. Read the rest of this entry »


Who cares, and what is a celebrity blogger?

As usual, while things are getting crazy in the world, it is hard to find out about the important things going on without being forced to endure the completely unimportant things going on.

I am a peaceful, tolerant man. I know nothing about this person except that this is a face even a Quaker could punch.

I am a peaceful, tolerant man. I know nothing about this person except that this is a face even a Quaker could punch.

My Yahoo front page could not wait to tell me about Perez Hilton, celebrity blogger, and his suit against the manager of the Black Eyed Peas. Apparently there was some face punching going on.

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