Wise Cracking Spiderman

I believe that no adult should go to the toy section of a store without a second adult who will get the jokes about how funny some toys are. During the holidays, The Omawari-son and I visited the toy section of a local store in search of a gift for one of my nephews. Our efforts paid off, both in terms of the gift we found and in a great laugh.

The Toy Section

Cracking wise, but not really. (image via geekweek.com)

By definition, the toy section of any store must be a devastated wreck throughout the holiday season. That devastation is one of the things that makes being there fun. Nothing is where it belongs. This facilitates finding things you aren’t really looking for.

We were not looking for Wise Cracking Spiderman, but we were really happy to find him.

Wise Cracking Spiderman is a doll in the neighborhood of 12 inches tall. He appeared to have some movement in his limbs, but was generally kind of rigid looking. His big feature was the “wise cracks” he made when the spider emblem on his chest was pressed.

The packaging urged me to press the emblem and try him out, so I did.  I thought it would be louder than it probably needed to be. This would have the effect of making heads turn and embarrassing my son. I was absolutely correct, Wise Cracking Spiderman is loud.

My son, on seeing what I was about to do, issued a plea – “no, don’t do it!” It didn’t help him. After Spiderman’s first wise crack we were both laughing…the button would have to be pushed again…and again.

Um, Spiderman? Please Define Wise Crack.

We discovered that Wise Cracking Spiderman would be more properly named Spiderman Of Factual Self Disclosure, Self Serving Questions And Pointless Verbalization. The one thing Spidey certainly was not was wise cracking.

Here’s a list of Wise Cracking Spiderman’s Wise Cracks:

  • Woo hoo!
  • Courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Spiderman
  • Who’s your favorite webslinger?
  • My spider sense is tingling
  • I love webslinging
  • With great power comes great responsibility
  • I am the amazing Spiderman
  • Which web should I use today?’
  • Let’s round up some bad guys
  • Think I’ll just hang around for a while

None of these things seem to fit any definition of wise cracking that I am aware of.

Let’s Talk About What A Wise Crack Is

The manufacturers of Wise Cracking Spiderman and I don’t see eye to eye on what constitutes a wise crack.

I think most people would define a wise crack as a remark directed at another person. The remark should have the proper blend of humor and cutting truth. A well delivered wise crack should have the recipient laughing both at himself and the person who delivers the remark. That remark ideally will cause the recipient to reconsider his actions that lead to the wise crack.


Seriously, if he really spins webs like a spider, shouldnt he have to pull his pants down to do it? (Image via Wikipedia)

Wise Cracking Spiderman’s “cracks” are at best, conversation starters for the weakest of small talk. More accurately, they set Wise Cracking Spiderman up to be the recipient of wise cracks…

  • Wise Cracking Spiderman: Think I’ll just hang around a while

Me: Great. Enjoy that. I’m going to go…away from you.

  • Wise Cracking Spiderman: My spider sense is tingling.

Me: Did it just get awkward in here?

  • Wise Cracking Spiderman: I love webslinging

Me: To be strictly accurate  to what real spiders do, shouldn’t your webs come out of your backside?

Help Poor Spidey Get More Wise Cracky

Being able to deliver a good wise crack would be helpful to Spiderman, or to any man who makes his living in tights. I am here to help. Manufacturers of Wise Cracking Spiderman, please consider the following wise cracks for the next edition of your toy:

  • Hey man, you should see if they make that shirt you’re wearing in guys sizes.
    A Lux soap.

    No moving parts (Image via Wikipedia)

  • Did you forget how soap works?
  • I don’t have time to explain it to someone like you.
  • Would you go talk over there? I can still hear you.

Blurt readers, please add your wise cracks to help Spiderman really live up to his name.

I wished afterward that I’d made a video of Wise Cracking Spiderman. Fortunately, this was out there to fill the need.

35 Comments on “Wise Cracking Spiderman”

  1. Spiderman says “Woo-hoo”? That just doesn’t seem right.

  2. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    Yeah, those wisecracks missed the boat completely. Nothing wise or cracky about ’em. But, I’ll give it a try – I may come back and deliver some x-rated ones.

    – Is that your hair or did you get caught in a web?
    – I’ve seen better legs on spiders, lady.
    – Some people really shouldn’t wear lycra. You’re one of them.
    – How do YOU think I go to the bathroom?
    – Don’t you have any homework to do?

  3. Todd Pack says:

    Christmas night, I had my then-4-year-old in stitches by asking questions of his talking Iron Man. ME: “So, what’s your name?” IRON MAN: “I … am … IRON MAN!”

    Also, it’s not a “doll.” It’s an action figure, unless you’re an adult. Then, it’s a collectible.

  4. shoutabyss says:

    Hey, webhead! You call that articulation?

  5. We found him Captain!! says:

    Q: Hey Spiderman! How come you don’t have a fly? Where do you keep your wallet?
    Do you have to completely remove that outfit when you have to dump? Where did you learn your wisecracks? In parochial school? Grow up you bast!!

  6. Zahara says:

    What would The Jolie say?
    I’m picturing her punching Spidey in the chest and saying “That’s not a wisecrack, THIS is a wisecrack”, Whack! Repeat.

  7. pattypunker says:

    you should weave (elmer fudd voice)

  8. madtante says:

    I’ve no wisecracks but I appreciated your “male who is comfortable with his sexuality” choice of “doll” rather than “action man.”

  9. Horsedonkeymulezebra says:

    I have a few Spidey can use:

    “Please tell the horse you rode in on I said it’s nothing personal”

    “Who ordered a beating from a boy in a leotard?”

    “In yahdrain hoogasele”

    “Doesn’t it look like my face is wearing a bikini top?”

  10. Horsedonkeymulezebra says:


    Hose-an crow-bar!

  11. How did this product get through the market research screening in the company that makes it?

    Anyway, you should have bought one–I hear the Jolie gets lonesome on the road and Spidey wisecracks would certainly cheer her up!

  12. Hippie Cahier says:

    Hey, there, Little Miss Muffett. . . .

    • Hippie Cahier says:

      P.S. . . . “Nothing is where it belongs. This facilitates finding things you aren’t really looking for.” That is one of my favorite pastimes.

      Franklin’s Hardware in Hyattsville is a great place for that. That was date night for my son and me when he was at UM. You and Omawari-son should go.

  13. Greg says:

    Maybe the wise-cracking Spiderman toy would have lived up to the name had the manufacturers used the same name but aimed a little higher with the idea of “Tourette Syndrome Spiderman”.

  14. Greg says:


    “You bike ridiers wish you looked as good in your shorts as I do in my spidey pants”.

    “I’m going home to a smokin’ hot redhead. What are you doing tonight, Jameson?”

    “Suckers. Once my batteries die I’ll join the junk toy heap in the back of the closet.”

  15. I suck at this stuff…the best thing about Spiderman was the theme song…


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