Why I Don’t Like Unicorns

Someone is about to need an eye patch. (public domain, via wikimedia)

Recently, someone asked where I stood “on the unicorn question.

I don’t like unicorns.

Now, you’d be correct if you pointed out that I’ve never met a unicorn. There may be a unicorn out there who could change my mind. The first unicorn I meet might make me think otherwise about the rest of them. He might, but I doubt it.

A Brief Shot At Mimes

It’s not my way to condemn an entire group, as I’m doing with unicorns.

There are exceptions. I think we can all agree that all flu viruses and all mimes are worthy of our condemnation. That is because we know that it is inconceivable to think that we might meet an individual mime or a single virus who would make us feel bad about disliking their entire species.

Until I meet that one unicorn who changes my mind, I am sticking with my position. I don’t like unicorns.

The inevitable question is “why?” What reason would I have for disliking unicorns? My answer is that it is hard to narrow it down to one reason, so I won’t.

Lousy Slackers

When you get right down to it, unicorns are horses. They’re capable of doing all the helpful things that horses do; they choose not to participate.

Thank you for your service (image via wikimedia Stewart Butterfield)

It isn’t hard to find a horse getting involved in helpful work.  But when you see unicorns in a pictures, they are usually standing around looking at a waterfall or the moon. No one benefits from all that sedentary staring. Unicorns don’t contemplate a waterfall, then issue some new philosophical break through. As best I can tell, when a unicorn finishes staring at something, it goes and stares at something else.

The other thing unicorns seem to do in pictures is jump and release rainbows from their backsides. Once again, this is something we really don’t need done. We’ve got rain and sunlight involved in the rainbow business, in partnership with some basic physics. They take care of all our planet’s rainbow needs. Rainbows that come out of unicorns are redundant and just a bit nasty.

Most of all, unicorns run with pointed sticks. The entire non-unicorn population of the earth learned from their mothers not to run with a stick. Unicorns do it all the time. And each of them choose to run knowing that, while he could harm others, he will never be injured with his own pointed stick.

Are A Few Extra Rainbows Worth Damaged Corneas?

So unicorns are lazy, defiant, rule-breakers. Rule-breakers who produce fewer rainbows than they do ophthalmic injuries. Their own sloth is the only thing stopping them from racing, helping out around the farm or some of the other things other horses do to make themselves part of society.

Don’t get me started on those Pegasus freaks.

Welcome Visitors from Freshly Pressed. Thanks for stopping in. I’ll answer your comments as quickly as I can. Since I know you’ll be standing by breathlessly for my pithy responses, may I suggest that while you wait you roam the grounds here at Blurt? I’ll make it easy for you. Click here and I’ll pick something at random for you to read.

You could also wander over to the two group blogs that I’m part of – Long Awkward Pause and The Nudge Wink Report. In both those places you’ll find actual writers who crank out funny stuff at an alarming rate.

170 Comments on “Why I Don’t Like Unicorns”

  1. List of X says:

    If I remember correctly, you don’t like reindeer either, yet they’re certainly not lazy and don’t produce wasteful rainbows. Do you have something against hooves and horns in general?

  2. Betty says:

    You are right. Unless you are a four year old girl, unicorns suck.

    • omawarisan says:

      Right. And if I were a four yeast old girl, would I be able to grow this cool beard with enough gray to say “been there, done that”?

      Holy crap. I’m old.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I hold ponies, pegusi, and unicorns responsible for the fact that I know what a “brony” is and that they exist. May your punishment be swift and just.

    • omawarisan says:

      I was going to say that bronies aren’t so bad, my son knows one. But then you went pegusi on me so I’m bending to your will. My punishment will be swift, but unjust.

  4. knace says:

    Incredibly, as someone who once owned a pair of unicorn shaped barrettes with rainbow colored ribbons streaming from them, I had never made the unicorn/rainbow connection. I just thought they liked to hang out near rainbows. My mind is officially blown. And what are your feelings about zebras?

    • omawarisan says:

      Somewhere you’ll find it, the rainbow connection…

      I was backstage at a circus and saw some zebras up close. They’re not as big as they look on tv. They’re also kinda slim. Maybe it’s the stripes.

  5. Blogdramedy says:

    So if I really wanted to freak you out, I’d skewer a pumpkin gourd on a unicorn’s horn and leave it on your front step.

    Something to remember…

  6. I find this so amusing. The only thing I have ever collected is Unicorns. They are magical, mythical and beautiful! And for the record I have never met a lazy unicorn.

  7. They do just stare, don’t they? Worthless! But they are so pretty and don’t forget magical. Certainly, you’ve met one in one of your dreams? Hmm?

  8. Do you think the second rainbow, of a double rainbow, are products of jealousy or rainbow envy on the part of Unicorns? I can hear them now “One rainbow? Is that all you got? Here hold my..( carbonated beverage of choice)”.

    • omawarisan says:

      Could be. If so, I think they produce the lower, smaller one. They don’t have the initiative to aim higher.

      “Here, hold my Zima. I’m going up to squeeze one out. Somebody pull my horn.”

  9. dentaleggs says:

    Wonder if they taste good…

  10. Rainbows and unicorns? Where’s the blog posts about manly stuff, like puff pastries and china patterns?

  11. Unicorns and Pegasus? One threw you off as a child, didn’t it?

    • omawarisan says:

      Nah. I never liked getting on horses. People always say you’ve got to kick them to get them going. I never kick anyone who carries me. Let me tell you something – if you ever decide to give me a piggy back ride I am not going to kick you to get you to go faster.

  12. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I don’t like them either, Oma. The horn is useless. Now if it had a laser beam in it, or shot pumpkin lattes from it – that’d be entirely different. I’d own one.

  13. I’ve never been a fan of Unicorns. It occurs to me I didn’t really know why as everyone else seemed enthralled by them. Thank you for giving me these valid observations to back up what I knew intuitively.

  14. I’m unicorn-neutral, but I wanted to congratulate you on another Freshly Pressed.

  15. This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while, great post! 😀

  16. Do you know what a Brony is? If you do, I hope they don’t find this post!

  17. franhunne4u says:

    Unicorns are fantastic – something long and round for virgins only – hey, now I know why you got a problem with them 😛

  18. segmation says:

    I never thought of unicorns in this manner. Thanks for sharing and I will keep this in mind when I do meet a unicorn.

  19. Kourtney says:

    Hilarious, but also genius! This is why I love Freshly Pressed because I can assure you that my usual troll for “Service” tags would not have led me to the deep disgust I now feel for Unicorns. I’ll stick around and check you out! Thanks for sharing.

  20. If your a virgin and female, you can tame one. As you have a beard that’s greying slightly, it’s a safe bet you’ll not be involved with the unicorn taming business anytime soon. Perhaps this is the source of your dislike.

    You’re aware that a unicorn will never fall asleep on your lap and you probably can’t convince a fair maiden virgin to aid you in the hunt, which is always a bad thing.

    You therefore have good reason to dislike these insufferable creatures who fart rainbows.

    Good call.

    • omawarisan says:

      I don’t want a unicorn on my lap. Having to wear goggles would be a pain. Of course it might be funny to have people say “is that a unicorn on your lap or are you just glad to see me?”

  21. BillAway says:

    That was very informative, with your permission I will like to read this article at the next ‘Pointy-Animals-Who-Only-Stare’ meeting. Our membership is huge!

  22. Fraukje says:

    Have you never seen the Chronicles of Narnia? That unicorn is up for a battle, no moongazing at all 😀

  23. godtisx says:

    Hahaha. I’ll have to tell my friend to train up her unicorn right! We can’t have a lazy one! 🙂 🙂

  24. I wrote a piece of flash fiction about a purple unicorn. Do you have less contempt for purple unicorns? The purple unicorn is also worthless and somewhat dubious. It’s a valid point.

  25. belyew says:

    Unicorns did exist just like the ‘Do DO Bird’ (extinct thanks to human evolution) and Dragons. Who’s to say that only that animals that were put onto The Ark existed? Mermaids exist too.

  26. orthodoxchristian2 says:

    Haha, very funny post! You are a very talented writer, my friend!

  27. I agree with you on the fact they run around with a pointy stick on their forehead. That is every parent’s nightmare. Lol good post!

  28. saramcknight says:

    I don’t blame you, My Little Pony ruined unicorns for all of us.

    • omawarisan says:

      Ok second response in the last three referring to when I was dating.

      I dated a woman who had a daughter who loved “My Little Pony”. I played a lot of Ponys while I was over at their apt. Apparently I didn’t do it right… Playing My Little Pony, not yknow…

  29. snoogiefisk says:

    But unicorns are magical! I often ride mine to my shrink’s office while wearing my cape. You have to bare in mind that I did vow to poop rainbows and fart glitter in 2014 so technically speaking I must love unicorns to accomplish this task.

    • omawarisan says:

      You might want to reconsider the fart thing. If you glitter fart you will never be able to slip a silent one out. You’ll suffer.

      • Melissa Hollingsworth says:

        Oh wow… you know what you’re right… that silent but deadly thing would be totally ruined… think of all the murder trials!

  30. Loved reading this. The humor is just so awesome.
    Please keep writing more. I love it.


  31. ubecute says:

    Thank you for a great laugh!

  32. hoarderswife says:

    Funniest thing I’ve read all year. I can’t stop laughing! Lazy rule-breaking slackers, lol!

  33. ...k-con says:

    Cuz their scary?

  34. marymtf says:

    My dear blurt, we had years of drought in this country (Australia). We could have done with a few unicorns issuing rainbows our way. And please don’t be offended, but could you reconsider flue viruses? I’ve yet to meet a more caring and sharing species.

    • omawarisan says:

      But their rainbows are fauxbows. They raise false hopes for rain.

      Viruses talk a good game, but in the end, you’re retching and shivering. Don’t fall into their trap.

  35. There’s no PC way to say this, but that doesn’t usually bother me, so I’ll just say it. If you work around a horse, and turn your back on one and maybe bend over to pick up something, you might get a head-butt from a cranky horse. But, with a unicorn…. What I mean to say is (of course, not that there’s anything wrong with that), even if a person liked that sort of thing, it would certainly be overkill, I think.

  36. morganshewrites says:

    Reblogged this on morganshewrites.

  37. morganshewrites says:

    I’ve found this to be the greatest! I have always known that Unicorns exist. I am currently a member of “The Unicorns.” I am not much into the whole mythological concept at all. However, I thought that it was odd that they had tattoos, colorful hair, and pooted glitter. My group is steadily trying to figure out a meal that fits a Unicorn’s diet. I believe that they eat Mac & Cheese, and corn. They also love Berry Punch. Unicorns do have immense staring problems but they also abide by one rule. Rule Seventeen, Don’t Give A F###. I would truly hate to agitate a Unicorn. Uni doesn’t play.


  38. helenjain21 says:

    Seeing the topic on Freshly Pressed, I just had to read on. I’m glad I did! I couldn’t stop laughing while I read all of the comments. I never thought of unicorns as creatures that stare at random things and fart rainbows.

  39. Daile says:

    Oma – congrats on being FP’d especially when it is about such a vital topic. This post is really a public service. People need to stop with the unicorn love and focus their attention to far more important matters.

    Dragons. We need dragons.

  40. THANK YOU. Finally, someone had the guts to say what we’ve all been thinking.

  41. Julie says:

    hm, interesting

  42. starwarsunicorn says:

    unicorns…from star wars…are awesome.

  43. […] I’ve read that are awesome: Blurt . Funny and […]

  44. AislingRain says:

    Unicorns are just lazy horses. So very true, but to be honest, that kind if makes me love them more.

  45. eyeintee says:

    if unicorns evolved into horses, y’kno, losing their one horn,…
    What do you make of the future of man’s penis??

    If we lose our boners sooner than an eighth grader at Sea World,
    how will the human race go on?

    • omawarisan says:

      Well, ideally, we won’t evolve past our “horn” while I’m still going.

      I think what speaks in favor of the penis is that men are only part time slackers. Unicorns are full time slackers so evolution is pushing them out.

  46. chengboiser says:

    Funny post, please do Pegasus..
    what do you think of Centaurs, and Minotaurs discriminating the Fauns.

  47. sabarashid says:

    Your post is ammusing. After reading it, I started to have second thoughts about liking unicorns 🙂

  48. ruwandip says:

    I totally get you, but don’t forget that we’d rather have unicorns running around than other mythical beings like fire breathing dragons and orgres!

  49. Love your humour.

    PS Am author of a seminal work ‘10,000 techniques for learning to see Unicorns’ and am also Lifetime Elected President of the Internationally Recognised Unicorn Liberation Front. The ULF currently has 1 member. Membership is however open to anyone who wishes to join. Annual Membership (renewable monthly) to be paid by standing order, which we suggest be sent to debit your account on the 7th, 14th, 21st and 28th of the month. Alternatively a one-off payment to Paypal may be made. Current rates are : Annual Membership £100 – this should be renewed monthly (£100 a month) The weekly standing orders option should be in the amount of £30 a week. The one-off Paypal payment can be from as little as £250.

    We respectfully ask for donations in order to ensure the seminal 10,000 techniques book can secure a publisher.

    Here is a little sneak preview of one of the techniques :

    1) Buy a 2 litre tin of white emulsion paint. Catch a horse

    TIP: if you catch a WHITE horse make sure you have previously negotiated ability to return and get 100% refund of emulsion paint provided tin has not been opened

    Cut 18 inches off a wooden broom handle and whittle (see technique number 56) one end to a point

    TIP : if your broom handle was NOT white, but your horse was, you will need to go back to the paint shop and buy the smallest tin of white emulsion you can find

    Using superglue carefull attach the unwhittled end of the broom handle to the centre of horse’s forehead

    TIP: It is best to do this FIRST before painting your horse (if your horse is not already a natural white horse) It is essential the horse stays STILL for 30 minutes to allow the glue to properly stick. Once you have painted your horse (if you needed to) you are likely to find the horse will not let you come near it for several weeks, so by the time it let’s you come close enough for horn attachment, the emulsion will have become quite grubby

    I’m sure you are eagerly waiting to read the other 9,999 techniques but this is the end of your free reading preview.

    • omawarisan says:

      So you advocate creating fauxnicorns?

      • Am merely demonstrating my political savvy by creating a spin illusion, she said huffily.

        Anyway, this is the FIRST technique, and the simplest. You don’t really expect me to give away my see a true unicorn, which takes years of study, for FREE do you. This was just a little teaser to encourage you to delve deeper and possibly enrol on the Diploma course I am developing in Unicorn Studies

  50. ediblethings says:

    Oh god! I think my boyfriend may be a secret unicorn. According to my mother he poos rainbows and his farts smell of the sweetest roses. What should I do?
    Also, please send goggles, in case of occular threat

  51. Granite Jet says:

    One of the best things I’ve read in quite some time; highly amusing and well-written. The feature is well deserved, and unicorns do suck.

  52. Steve says:

    Fun fact: The unicorn is the national animal of Scotland.

  53. awax1217 says:

    Unicorns were bred for one purpose. Meat for the people who like meat. Get the point is there slogan. Once you have unicorn meat, heavy on the corn, you can get instant miracles and do unicorn things, like shoot your eye out as you have pointed out.

  54. Sparrowgrass says:

    You make many interesting points, but I find the suggestion that the unicorn could step into the (round iron) shoes of the working horse erroneous.

    Most working horses are expected to fit into standard domestic accommodation for their species, i.e. stabling. Unicorns, having a large spike on their heads, are unsuited to stabling. They are unable to drink from a horse’s water bucket/trough if it is placed in the usual location of a corner because their horn hits the wall. They cannot eat from a haynet because it gets stuck on their head. If their food is placed near the wall they cannot get to it because their horn hits the wall.

    The only way to successfully stable a unicorn would be to have a much larger stable so that there is room for everything to be away from the walls and there still be room for the animal to easily lie down without damaging water bucket etc. or catching them with his horn while laying down or getting up. The need for a massive stable is an issue; firstly because existing stables are horse sized and secondly because if you have a very large stable it will cost a great deal more in bedding to maintain an absorbent, hygienic and humane surface. The human labour involved in mucking out will likewise be increased.

    To conclude, a working horse is much more economically viable than a working unicorn. Anyone trying to run a business will not employ a unicorn if they could get a horse to do the same job. Whether this is moral is another matter, but you cannot blame the unicorns for this economic situation. In the current climate, who has money to spare on a unicorn?

    • omawarisan says:

      And I agree. But the issue is that unicorms have bred the economic viability out of themselves over successive generations. They’ve no one to blame but themselves.

  55. Reblogged this on Call me Wonderman – The Microvangelist and commented:
    An insightful view on the internet’s favorite pretend horse. My sides still hurt from laughter!

  56. hrt123 says:

    Personally, I agree with all your points. I am not a unicorn fan, though some of my friends are. Those unicorns need to do some work and take some safety into account before I become a fan:) Great post!
    Check out my blog if you get a chance-

  57. Lorraine says:

    I just think you’re jealous because Unicorns get to break all the rules!

  58. Steph says:

    How do you feel about goats? They have TWO pointy-things, are obstinate and untrustworthy, and don’t even look pretty while they chew on your house.

  59. Freshly Pressed!?! Ya big strapper! All of us old time Oma disciples are proud of ye…Darn proud!

  60. scjoyner says:

    Now that I think about it, they are always standing around doing nothing but looking at the moon or a random rainbow. I do the same thing. Are you calling me lazy???

  61. shadowluvr2 says:

    wow you are hilarious I even read your comments and posts..lmaooooo

  62. KWP says:

    Unicorns have managed to get me out of many a pickle … I love unicorns !! Xx

  63. bevell486 says:

    Reblogged this on Beverlyn Elliott and commented:
    There was a time when a group of writers I know were obsessed with unicorns for yet another reason. This post appealed to me because I didn’t get it. 🙂

  64. That’s a fair assessment.

  65. […] Why I Don’t Like Unicorns by Blurt […]

  66. Jgncs says:

    Once I was interviewing people for a job in my team and I asked: what is your favorite animal and why? She said: the unicorn because they are magical. Ok…, I said. And what about REAL animals? 5 seconds thinking and she says: I will say that is also the unicorn!!
    And I was speechless.

  67. darkchokolat says:

    I’ve never really give Unicorns much thought, but you’ve really opened my eyes. Thank you.

  68. basoshen says:

    Reblogged this on callmefadh and commented:

  69. Skinnyminny says:

    I know people are obsessed w unicorns and I just don’t get it. Ha, great post!

  70. pggriff says:

    Modern virgins would be much too saavy to tame an old fashioned lazy-looking unicorn. Don’t you think, after all this time, that perhaps there would have been some evolutionary developments that would render the modern unicorn less, conspicuous? I imagine they would have come up with some sort of camouflage or cloaking device by now to catch the eye of the ever more elusive modern virgin.

  71. Lolly says:

    This is my first time here. Your brain…..I want to hug it. lol

  72. bernquist says:

    This is good old fashion disdain, and I never miss a good opportunity to commend some real top-notch hoofed hatred!! I agree, the unicorn is worthless. Not only does he serve no viable purpose, but when you think about it he isn’t majestic at all – as he is typically portrayed in popular unicorn culture. He has a damn sword sticking out of his head! What if I had a sword sticking out of my head? No one would want that…ever. “Oh yeah this, yeah that’s just a thing. It’s there all the time and it stabs stuff and I’ve never used it for anything. Pay no heed.” I would have no joy at any time. More of us need to start recognizing this trans-equine fool for what you have depicted him as: a pointy headed slacker. Well done!

  73. Reblogged this on theterriblediary and commented:
    I, for one, adore viruses. Have you seen bacteriophages? ADORABLE. And anything that can hijack a cell with it’s own DNA/RNA (when it isn’t even technically alive) is totally badass.

  74. innocent1 says:

    I concede that when I saw that you already had 147 comments, I thought to myself what can I possibly add. Then it dawned on me. I could add the 148th comment. You’re welcome. Oh, and thanks for the highly entertaining read. I may have giggled. In a manly way of course.

  75. faerylandmom says:

    But… But I thought… I thought unicorn tears healed crap and stuff…

  76. David Emeron says:

    The neo-marxist Mafia gave me a very stern warning regarding the writing of Romantic Poetry. I foolishly chose to disregard their thinly veiled threats, however. One morning I woke to find a severed unicorn head in my bed. It smelled sweet, like cotton-candy. and it’s blood tasted like amaretto, so really… it did not dissuade me in the least, despite a follow up phone call admonishing me to properly embrace post-modernism and renounce all ties to Romantic Realism. Now, after writing hundreds of sonnets, it appears they have chosen instead to ignore me. It seems, then, that the poor beast died in vein….

  77. Deco Domino says:

    I enjoyed this…but I still like unicorns 😉

  78. Thank you for this. I’ve always been a bit creeped out by unicorns too. I am a horsey gal; I adore them. But unicorns. . . a little weird. I read this post with a grin on my face saying to myself, “I know! So true! Good point!” P.S. I tried to convince several of my 7th grade students today that 2017 is the year of the unicorn. They did not fall for it!

  79. I’d have to say I’m pro-unicorn myself, however it might be an idea to get them out working, and doing more for society in general.

  80. So how do you feel about Starlight from Rainbow Brite,? The bastard stepchild of a unicorn and a horse?

  81. mhussey6 says:

    I once was a “frumpy unicorn” for Halloween. I wore a white sweatsuit and a homemade horn. My tail was a piece of string that I safety pinned on, i.e. Eyore. You maybe would’ve liked that… I didn’t involve any rainbows.

  82. lifewithkaye says:

    Unicorns rule! Just play Robot Unicorn Attack. You’ll love Unicorns forever and end up even owning things such as unicorn socks, like I do.

  83. If i discover that you are this funny in other posts i might just well follow you as holding a neutral stance on unicorns i find i’m not offended enough to close my browser in disgust.

    I have to ask though what about zebras? They don’t really do much apart from show off about how multicultural and unique they are all the time?

  84. trl653 says:

    I have found this post most amusing as well as some of the comments. The weird thing about unicorns is that they are said to be attracted to virgin females…but I cannot remember if the said virgins are attracted to the unicorns. As mythical creatures go I would take a dragon over a unicorn any day.

  85. ame741 says:

    Haha this was a very amusing post

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