The Blurt Blog 2013 Press Conference
Posted: March 29, 2013 Filed under: Press conference | Tags: comedy, humor, News conference, oma, postaweek, press conference 39 Comments
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Hello, and welcome to our live coverage of the third annual Blurt Blog press conference from spacious Blurt World Headquarters. We expect Omawarisan to make his entrance very shortly.
There has been an air of anticipation around Blurt Headquarters as the date of this event approached. Things have been polished, additional security is in place. Omawarisan has fired three staff members this week for interfering with his preparation for this event. Sources tell me that his preparation has consisted of watching college basketball and pre-season baseball games.
Oma is starting down the very, very long hall to the podium. I’m trying to recognize the song that is playing in the background as he makes his way up the hall. My producers are telling me that it is Allen Toussaint’s recording of “Everything I Do Gonna Be Funky”.
He seems to enjoy making a big entrance. There’s no real urgency to the way Oma is coming toward the podium. We’ll take a minute to remind you that this is the third annual presser for the author of this obscure blog. He’s published Blurt since February of 2009; tens of people read every post. Omawarisan is about to step up to the podium, he is wearing a 1953 Hiroshima Carp baseball jersey, shorts, and a cap with a hot dog on it. Ladies and Gentlemen, Omawarisan.
Hi everyone, thanks for coming. Please be seated.
It is important that I start these events by thanking each of you who read Blurt. I can’t seem to drive you off even though I keep writing. Thank you, thank you…and thank you.
We’ll start with the questions in a moment. For those of you who’ve not attended one of my press conferences, let me explain how this works. You can feel free to ask about whatever you want to, as long as you don’t want to ask about politics or religion. Don’t feel constrained to topics that you believe I might know something about. If everyone sticks to things that I know about, you’ll quickly run out of questions.
Ask your questions in the comment section. Keep checking back, I’ll answer them as quickly as I can. Feel free to ask follow-up questions if you have them. I’ll answer questions until the next post goes up on Monday.
Let’s get rolling then. Who has the first question? Wait, that was a question and the answer is apparently me. Which of you has the next one? Alright…you…hi, thanks for coming…
Blurt 
I was wondering whether you’d care to comment on this news story. I don’t feel equipped to write about it myself for some reason.
People who work in high tech fields feel pressure to produce a steady stream of new products. They function on the idea that if the flow of innovation stops, so does the cash. So you end up with urinal video games. Sad.
Sad, but I could get a high score, I’m sure of it. They didn’t say how a man would enter his name to record his high score. I’m not touching that screen.
Video games on urinals. Great. That’s just perfect. That sound you just heard was one of the seven seals being opened. We just got one step closer to Hell.
God forbid the average American idiot isn’t entertained for the 27 seconds it takes to visit the urinal.
Mr. Oma, It’s Dave from the 1PointPerspective Gazette. There are those who feel a vinegar base is the true backbone of “real” barbeque, but others who insist on a more sugary style. Still others believe that barbeque in its purest form is slathered in ketchup-based sauce. My question is unrelated to barbeque. I’d like to hear your views on whether a properly mounted roll of toilet paper should come over the top or slide out from beneath.
Dave, thank you for recognizing that barbeque is a food and a style of cooking, not something you do, or god forbid, a gathering where someone cooks burgers and dogs.
With that in mind, I’d have to say that toilet paper should come out from beneath. In the from beneath system, gravity drops the end down. This eliminates the desperate spinning of the roll to find the end.
And vinegar based is the light and the way…not that you asked.
How many licks DOES it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? That owl was mistaken when he said three.
No one really knows. Here is why. Phil, can we roll the video on that? Ok, here we go:
The reason we don’t know is that no one actually licks a tootsie pop like the owl did. Imagine walking down the street with your family. A man is walking in the opposite direction and is licking a Tootsie Pop the way the owl did. You’d grab the kids and cross the street, right?
No one will ever know.
I think this ad was actually perpetrated (see what I did there?) by the American Dental Association. i imagine they drummed up quite a bit of business from kids trying that trick.
Excellent question!
What are the 3 words of warning????
Hi Mom!
The three warnings whenever I went out in high school, also known as The Three B’s are:
Be Good.
Be Careful.
Be Home Early.
There were also two policies that were enforced, though they were not part of the main three:
If I was going to be late, I had to find a pay phone and call.
When I got home, I was to come let you know I was back because you couldn’t sleep.
That last one was kind of sketchy, because you were sleeping hard every time I got home.
Name the New Jersey native, singer/accordionist who in 1968, “brought down the house” singing and playing his own version of “I no wanna, you can havva, she’s to fatta 4 me”.
That guy wasn’t a native, he was the only person I ever heard of who entered the country illegally from Italy. He crossed a sea, an ocean and a border. As far as I’m concerned, he earned his way in.
Please provide the first name of the barmaid mentioned in this limerick:
“On the chest of one barmaid at Yale,
Were tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind,
was the same information in Braille”.
Ummm…Dale?
Right! Geeeeeezzzus, You are good!
What’s the best way to get my Shamrock plant to bloom? Yeah, I could Google it, but asking the oh-so-wise Oma just works for me. “Fiona” has produced TWO tiny flowers — just two — when she was supposed to be in full bloom by St. Paddy’s Day. What gives??
Faith and b’gorra. I don’t know what that means, I just know that Cheif O’Hara said it on Batman and he, like Fiona, was Irish.
The other Irish thing I know is Guinness beer. If you put a few drops into Fiona’s water, I think you’ll see her blossom. Also, if you put a few drops in her water, drink the rest of that one and a few others, you won’t mind waiting for her to bloom.
My son claims our fingerprints prevent us from being able to tickle ourselves. Other bodies do not recognize our own fingerprints, so you can tickle others but not yourself. Is this true?
No, but I like his logic.
Here is what happens. Being tickled requires you to be surprised. If I say, Lenore, I’m going to tickle you, you wonder two things: is he really, and how hard can I slap him without killing him? That “is he” is enough to keep your body off balance able to be tickled.
Your hand could tickle your body if you could surprise yourself. I’ve fallen asleep on my arm until my hand went to sleep. Then I rolled over and my hand landed on my face. Because I couldn’t feel my hand I scared myself awake thinking someone was grabbing me. Scientists are working on transferring this knowledge to the field of tickling.
Why do we have an Easter Bunny instead of and Easter Chicken. A Easter Chicken makes so much more sense.
The chicken’s involvement with Easter is represented by peeps and be people who give their children chicks to celebrate the holiday.
The bunny is in addition to, not in place of the chicken. Chickens are the producers, bunnies deliver. Think of them like Amazon and FedEx. Would either of them be what they are without the other? No, but we celebrate the arrival of the FedEx truck, not the Amazon van.
Okay then. Why did the chicken cross the road? Why didn’t she get run over by a FedEx truck?
The chickens are smart about that, rabbits are notoriously poor drivers. There is a service vehicle entrance to divert them off the street.
Which came first, the bunny or the egg?
Excellent question.
The egg. The chickens are descended from dinosaurs, who also were egg layers, but not celebrants of any holiday. When chickens realized they’d be marketing their offspring at Easter, they prayed for a speedy mammal to deliver their eggs.
Is there a way to get your cell phone to ring by just staring at it? If yes, how can I do this while driving to Gastonia?
Yes, it can be done. I won’t tell you how because I prefer you looking out the windshield while you drive.
My mom has decided that her job in the garden is to “turn the soil,” which also means she’s digging up plants that haven’t sprouted yet. How do I convince her to stop doing that and what chore should I have her do in my garden? (Think chores that tire her quickly.)
This is tough. I know you want to give her the respect she deserves and protect your plants.
What about sectioning off an area where the soil “needs to be turned”? Have her turn a different portion of that area each time. By the time that’s done, you’ll have sprouts everywhere else.
Hmmm. That might work. Or, I’ll just rent her a front end loader or some other excavating machine and set her to work on my neighbor’s yard.
Can you pickle a pumpkin? And if so, give us a reason why.
BD, your question brings up an important larger issue: the difference between can and should.
Unrefined people believe that they should do things simply because they are possible or legal. This isn’t so. Possible doesn’t mean good.
Pickling is good. I’ve been pickled fairly often. When I am pickled, everyone wins.
Pumpkin is bad. It is not food, it is decoration. It is possible to pickle a pumpkin, but you shouldn’t. In the end, you’re just encouraging it to act like food.
Oooo…she said the P-word: pumpkin. That’s a bad word around here.
I’m a bad, bad blogger.
What kind of car did you drive to your press conference or perhaps you had a driver?
It’s no fun to have a driver. I don’t know that from experience, but I just love to drive.
I drove the Miata, coolest car ever. Top down, because it is over 45 degrees.
Allen Toussaint is the artist to swagger to in a conference. That is all.