Take The Cannoli – My Internal Dialogue At Blockbuster
Posted: January 7, 2011 Filed under: Foolishness | Tags: Blockbuster, comedy, Godfather, humor, internal dialogue, postaweek2011 51 Comments
Circling the drain (Image via Wikipedia)
Blockbuster Video Manager: While I’m checking out your DVD, I have to tell you that you won’t be able to rent here after January 10.
Me: Oh, ok
My Internal Voice: I won’t? What did I do wrong? Wait, January 10…I’m going to do something wrong, I just don’t know what yet.
BVM: This store is closing…
Me: Oh I’m sorry.
MIV: Well, yeah, everyone knows your company is circling the drain.
BVM: …because the greedy landlord wants more money for the space…
Me: Dude. (The sorrowful, empathetic way of saying dude, not the excited one)
MIV: Isn’t saying greedy landlord redundant? Why is she wasting words?
Image by Steve Rhodes via Flickr
BVM: …so he is renting the space to a plastic surgeon.
Me: He’s greedy.
MIV: She’s already advanced that opinion, Sparky. Maybe you could express an opinion of your own?
BVM: He doesn’t realize how many lives he is changing…
Me: Yeah, it is a tough time to find jobs. I’m sorry that is happening to you.
MIV: I say the nicest things to strangers sometimes. My parents did a hell of a job.
I'm warning you, landlord, do not screw with my hot chocolate (Image by Rockies via Flickr)
BVM: …(pointing at an adjoining coffee shop and a women’s clothing store) … it is going to affect them too…
MIV: No coffee shop? Where am I going to get my peppermint hot chocolate before I go to the supermarket?
BVM: We bring them a lot of business, it is going to affect the economy.
Me: I hadn’t thought about that.
MIV: You’re really reaching here.
BVM: A lot of people would leave here and stop in to those other shops, that’s going to end.
Me: Oh yeah…probably so.
MIV: Come on, this is probably the greatest thing ever for the women’s clothing shop…new breasts, new top!
BVM: You’ll still be able to rent at the two stores north of here. I’m going to be at the store near the lake.
Me: Oh, cool.
MIV: The economy is saved! Give me my DVD, this has gone far enough.
BVM: They want to keep this a nice area, but they open up a Dollar Store?
They shoot these discs, you know what I'm talking about now, don't you? (image via wikipedia)
Me: The Dollar Store is the best place to buy those toy guns that shoot those plastic discs.
MIV: Ha! That was me! You let me out! I won’t let you down!
BVM: The guns that shoot plastic discs…oh yeah, I know what you’re talking about. Yeah, they’ll have them, but they won’t be the brand name ones.
Me: The brand name ones? Come on, have you ever had a brand name disc shooting gun?
MIV: YES! This is great! I love you, man. Keep going!
BVM: The dollar ones don’t last.
Me: Last?!? They’re not supposed to last. You shoot the discs, gradually losing a few each time until you’re down to just one disc…
MIV: Godfather! The Godfather….SAY IT!!!
BVM: Thanks for coming in, sir.
"Leave the gun..." (Image via Wikipedia)
Me: …then you sneak up behind your brother and you drill him in the back with your last disc. Leave the gun, take the cannoli…like in The Godfather.
MIV: YES!!!! YESSSS! We are the man, Omawarisan. Let’s go now.
Walking to the car…
MIV: Was it good for you?
Me: Yeah.
MIV: That last question was all awkward, wasn’t it? I’m sorry.
Blurt 
I was going to congratulate you on your ability to maintain control over your inner voice, but then well…he got out. So…uh…congratulations on having a super cool inner voice to let out by using movie references!
I happen to think that our departure from Kitchener may have caused the closure of a Blockbuster there as well…but then, I suppose they have customers other than myself and Ian.
You closed a Blockbuster? I shut down a pizza place when I sent a pie back!
The inner voice has to escape sometimes.
Glad it all worked out.
Eventually!
I’m still in shock that you have a Blockbuster Store. Ours have been gone for awhile. Our only renting option is RedBox.
I’m kind of surprised we do to. I don’t see a lot of people in and out of there, this was my first trip in there in at least a year.
i held onto my blockbuster membership for as long as the store remained open. i could exhange the movies i rented online there and not have to wait until the online distribution center received my returns and would send me new ones. once the store closed, i made the inevitable switch to netflix. it’s actually cheaper. but i still miss browsing the store and holding and reading the box covers. just i like i still miss vinyl.
Auuugh…missing vinyl! I am taking my turntable to goodwill today. Killing me!
I still have a few vinyl records, including some American Top 40 shows with Casey Kasem from the ’70s, but I haven’t had a turntable in probably 10 years. I’m hanging onto the records because, well, I have no idea why. Most of them, I wouldn’t play if I had a turntable. (I’m talking to you, Christopher Cross.)
Saiiiiiling…takes me awaaaayyayyyy…
yeah, I bought that one too.
I was sucked in by Ride Like The Wind, but soon realised it was an anomaly. Good job I didn’t buy any albums.
I think that song was the bait for a lot of us. Sun Tzu said “under fragrant bait lies a hook.” I’ve got this hole in my cheek…
We got a Roku box about a year ago. We pay $9 for Netflix, and if they can’t stream it, they’ll send the disc (which will sit on top of the TV for a couple months before we finally return it, unwatched).
I am starting to think about Roku, youre the second reliable source that has mad a good case for it. It may be time.
Wow, it’s like the Blockbuster is the second largest employer in town, behind the lumber mill, which is closing in 6 months. The whole town is doomed! You will no longer be able to get tracer-guns, frappucinos, or overpriced, previously-viewed DVDs!
I bet a surge in the underground market for House of Pain and Kris Kross vinyl will continue to support the community, at least until the plastic surgeon has built up a client base.
Blockbuster is the anchor of this town and the sooner you and I realize it, the better. The Anchor.
Soon our anchor will be made of saline.
Speaking of vinyl, wondering why someone would shoot those little things you put in the middle of 45’s out of a gun?
Wendy
They fly so well Wendy.
Hey, I just explained how a record worked to my son. You should try it at home, it is amazing!
PS…let me know when the visitor arrives! She left for your place on Tuesday.
I have the Canada Post officials on VIP alert…
Wendy
You had me with MIV but you swooned me to heavens gate with the ” The Dollar Store is the best place to buy those toy guns that shoot those plastic discs.” Memories come from many places so I thank you for letting me purchases a ticket on Blurt Airways the Airline To the Past. Well worth the price of a ticket! Peace.
Those guns are the greatest, arent they?
About 10 years ago, I started boycotting Hollywood Video because they accused me of stealing one of their pens – the one attached to the chain at the counter. It was thoroughly documented in their computer. Here we are, 10 years later, and they’re no longer in business at that location. I am the butterfly of retail doom. Fear me.
ha ha ha…they had it in their computer that you ripped a pen free from its moorings and heisted it? No wonder you had to crush them. You are a desperado, my friend.
Congratulations to the Internal Voice! Somebody needs to make a video of International Internal Voices breaking free at one of the world’s great airports, set it to music, and choreograph a grand line dance to express the release of pent-up expressions.
That would make the world a better place. All tension released, followed quickly by world peace!
I love those plastic disc shooters! Cole and I still have disc shoot outs (God, I hope he does not read your blog.)
The dollar store was the only place in all of Chicago to buy tinsel for our tree or are they called Icicles -I just handed you a holiday post for next year.
I am glad your Internal Voice spoke out…he made a lot of sense.
♥
You do? You’re good at this Mom thing.
New breasts, new tops! Love it.
Welcome Bee!
Yeah, I am pretty convinced the clothes store owner is digging this, big time. In fact, I’d guess that people who have plastic surgery still drink coffee.
Thanks – I’m glad I stopped by!
I suspect you are right – the venn diagram for coffee-drinkers and plastic surgery recipients would probably be a small circle entirely enclosed in the big circle, given that there are only about ten people in the U.S. who don’t drink coffee. (Nine, if you don’t count me, and I haven’t had plastic surgery so you only have nine possible candidates for the plastic-surgery-but-don’t-drink-coffee part of the diagram.)
I’m out of the diagram too. I don’t drink coffee, and I’ve got these krinkly things next to my eyes.
You internal voice is even funnier than you are. I didn’t think this was possible!
By the way, I still jump like a loon to House Of Pain’s Jump Around when it comes on, whether on the radio, at a club or a party.
Oops! Meant to say Your internal voice. I really shouldn’t type so quickly, and definitely not when I’ve had a drink.
The internal voice has to be managed in order to extend my lifespan.
It couldn’t have been too big a drink if youre proofreading yourself!
Dorothy Parker called. She wants to know if your internal voice is free Friday night.
I couldn’t have said it better. So underneath that sunny exterior beats the heart of a true curmudgeon, huh?
Tell Dot we’re a package deal and neither of us is a picnic!
(I keep going all Facebooky on these blogs and wishing it was possible to “Like” an entire comment thread.)
All our Blockbusters closed some time ago. I’m sure NetFlix was cutting into their business.
Now, there’s Blockbuster Express and RedBox; hard to beat $1. No rent; not much in the way of staff….While I rarely rented from Blockbuster stores, I do use the BlockBuster Express in my grocery or the Redbox at my WalGreens.
I’m leaning that way now. I so rarely watch movies though and if Burn After Reading is any indication of what is out there to watch, I probably dont need to watch anything.
I haven’t rented a movie in a really long time I wait for them to come out on tv because that’s just how much I care.
It has been a long time since I rented one. I can’t even remember my last in a theater
I love your inner voice.
He speaks well of you.
BVM called you sir? … wow!
Great Godfather quote!
She did, and we seemed to be about the same age. I’m just that intense.
You never cease to amaze me! I did’t realize you were familiar with Sun Tzu?
You sound like a very intelligent person……one who knows that the head and neck lose heat faster than other areas of the body. I hope your internal voice has told you to wear a jacket and hat today. It’s coooooold out there!
I think you should go on the Iron Chef program and show them your recipe for: Stuffed Fallen Redbird ( stuffed with ricotta and mozzarella and baked at 375 degrees for 3o minutes). I think it’s a winner.
I love your sense of humor and writing skills…….Keep up the good work, those of us in solitary confinement look forward to reading you each morning before breakfast.
Captain Attilla
I think you have a great sense of humor and fantastic writing skills. Keep up the good work. Many readers await your words of wisdom and advice each morning in order to
Arise from slumber and face the world.
The captain’s valet.
A big Sun Tzu fan. Not enough people have bothered to pick that book up and see how the principles apply outside of the title.
I had the TMNT pizza shooter. Same basic concept, I think. Only the plastic discs had stickers on ’em to look like pizza.
Also, your internal voice is hilarious. Wish he was around when I had to deal with inane conversations with costumer service people. . . My internal voice checks out. Bitch.
Oh yeah, youve got to get her to stick around for when you need her so you’ve got company.