Jennifer Aniston Is An Alien

Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston, alien. (Photo credit: Lord_Henry)

I remember Jennifer Aniston from the TV show, Friends. I’m certain I’m in the minority on this, but I think that show was funny for about two years, then it jumped the shark and just dragged on forever.

Ms. Aniston has done well since the show ended. She’s been in a lot of movies. I haven’t seen them, but they are out there if I find the need to change that. She seems to get enough work that she probably doesn’t have trouble paying her rent. She could be called a success for those reasons.

But those who sent her to walk among us consider her a success for a different reason. She’s kept their secret.

Jennifer Aniston is not from Earth.

Calm Down. I’ll Explain.

It isn’t cool to go around accusing someone of being an alien. Those of you who’ve been around here a while know that the only other “person” I’ve said was an alien is Larry King. My case regarding Mr. King has been thoroughly proven. My case vis-a-vis Ms. Aniston is equally solid.

A shopping cart filled with bagged groceries l...

No matter how you load them, they always veer to one side.(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are two things I can’t avoid when I buy groceries. There are three if you count the old lady who doesn’t know she’s got a gallon of perfume on. I don’t want to count her today, so two things. One is a grocery cart that tends to steer to the right and the other is multiple magazine covers in the check-out aisle trumpeting the latest news about Jennifer Aniston.

Based on what I see as I wait to pay for my taco kit and frozen yogurt, Ms. Aniston gets married every other month. It also appears that she gets pregnant three or four times every nine months. If we presume that she was single and had no children when Friends went off the air and that she started getting married and pregnant immediately, Jennifer Aniston has between thirty-six and forty-eight children. She also would have married fifty-four times.

Fifty-four earth men, give or take an earthling.

Jennifer Aniston is cranking out half earthling/half alien children at an alarming rate.

And What Of These Husbands??

According to grocery store magazine covers, Ms. Aniston gets married a lot. No one knows what happens to these defenseless earth men. She marries one, she marries another a month later. The first one just…vanishes.

She’s working her way thru the population, destroying men and replacing them with her quick-gestated, half-alien kiddies.

Don’t see it? Start counting magazine covers that blare out news about her latest pregnancy. Normal women don’t get pregnant that many times. If we assume grocery store gossip magazines are accurate (and why wouldn’t we?), Jennifer Aniston has the gestation period of a squirrel.

She’s an alien.

But she’s a better looking one than Larry King.

31 Comments on “Jennifer Aniston Is An Alien”

  1. Obviously I need to pay more attention in the checkout line, so I know who to avoid. Aliens freak me out.

  2. Right wing grocery carts? Jean Nate’ lobbyists cleverly disguised as old ladies? This is bigger than you thought, Oma.

  3. shoutabyss says:

    Sir, your article does not contain the word “hair.” I know because I searched.

    Kurt Cobain rocks.

  4. Debbie says:

    This is as good an explanation as I’ve heard, Oma. By golly, I think you’re onto something! Is it possible she comes from the same planet as those Kardashians? I mean, surely *they* can’t be Earthlings, can they?!

  5. kimpugliano says:

    Whole new perspective. I now have to rethink everything.

  6. dentaleggs says:

    Aren’t we all a little alien-y inside?

  7. knace says:

    I knew it! But now that you’ve officially blown the whistle, you might be next on the nuptials list. Hopefully “they” don’t read your blog. Be safe!

  8. Blogdramedy says:

    Have you considered clone? Just a thought.

  9. tundrawoman says:

    Scientologist….just sayin’.

  10. She probably eats the surplus husbands. Good protein.

  11. Lizi says:

    What! The sweet melody of that one squeaky cart wheel doesn’t make your grocery store-visit checklist? Who’s the alien here, people?

  12. 1jaded1 says:

    Ha! The rag mags always have her preggers. I think it has been at least 4 years. When is she gonna pop that toddler out, already?

  13. pieterk515 says:

    You need to add the word “hot” in the title. Just saying.

  14. I have always suspected this but just couldn’t quite make the case. It has always mystified me why anyone would be attracted to her but now it all makes sense. She uses some kind of alien potion on them and the rest as they say is history…or at least a good story in a gossip mag.

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