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Corduroy Pants Versus The Singing Guy. Who Will Win?

Luciano Pavarotti in Vélodrome Stadium, 15/06/02.

A singing guy (who no longer sings), not The Singing Guy. (Image via Wikipedia)

A few months ago I introduced you to someone in my office I call The Singing Guy. The Singing Guy goes beyond the usual and acceptable levels of singing at work. Instead, he puts on awkward performances that leave misery and confusion in their wake.

More recently, I let you in on a plan I developed to torment The Singing Guy into days of silence. I realized through observation one day that an error in his dry cleaning order distracted him so severely that he was unable to sing. I decided to experiment with periodically slipping additional garments into his dry cleaning after the cleaners brought it back to the office.

I went to a Goodwill store and purchased three garments to begin the plan. Today, I come to you with happy news. The first implementation of the plan was a success.

Deployment

Many dry cleaners place cleaned clothes inside...

Why does this keep happening to me? (Image via Wikipedia)

Over the New Years Weekend I noticed that a load of freshly cleaned and pressed clothes had arrived from the dry cleaners. I perused the names on the clothes hanging there, each bundle of hangers covered in light plastic to separate them from the others. Valdez, Roberts, Barker and (jackpot!) The Singing Guy!

I went to my locker and got one of the purchases I made at Goodwill – a pair of corduroy pants. I chose them specifically because they were both very much beneath the style level The Singing Guy finds acceptable, but also far too small to fit him. I slipped these pants in among the clothes that had been delivered for him…two jackets, a couple dress shirts, a pair of pants and now, a tiny pair of corduroy pants.

Then, I waited.

The Day Comes

The Singing Guy came in after New Years well rested and energized. Days like these are exactly the sort of days where a performance can be expected from The Singing Guy. His energy built through the morning. He didn’t seem affected. Things looked pretty grim. I asked a co-worker  (the one who endured the performance of the Happy Days theme in the original post) to go back and check to see if the pants were still there. He came back and gave a thumbs up.

After lunch, The Singing Guy checked the dry cleaning rack and the pants took immediate effect. The Singing Guy returned to his desk and groaned “it happened again”. Someone asked him what he was talking about. He told them the cleaners messed up again. The energy was gone, I could tell he didn’t have the spirit to sing.

I was right. The rest of the day there was no singing, just occasional remarks to a friend – “why does this keep happening to me?” and a call to his wife “can you believe it happened again?”

When I came back in the next day there was an email that had been sent to the whole office:

The cleaners mistakenly included a worn pair of corduroy pants in my dry cleaning. If they are yours, please come see me. Singing Guy

Yeah, classy move. Offer to help the person who is missing their pants, yet mock them for owning “worn” pants. Good job Singing Guy.

Classy moves aside, I can report to you that the corduroy pants hit their target and successfully prevented singing for the day and a half that I was witness to and another day as reported by my cohort. That success and calling my shabby corduroy pants “worn” guarantees there will be another delivery in the future.

Here Is Where You Come In

I have two questions I’d like you to resolve regarding the future of the project.

First, how soon should I deliver another surprise to The Singing Guy. My instinct is to make the next one in May, but I’m open to April.

Next, here are photos of the two items I have on hand from my Goodwill shopping expedition and available to add to The Singing Guy’s dry cleaning. One is a tacky jacket, far too large for him. The other is a denim vest with a ridiculous number of pockets on it. The Singing Guy would not be caught dead in either of them. Which do you think should be the next garment surprise for The Singing Guy?

Dry clean only. It isn't a law. No one died when I washed this.

Pockets upon pockets. Storage is critical.

The battle has been joined. I think it was Karen Carpenter who said “we’ve only just begun”. Bend to my will Singing Guy, victory will be mine.

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49 Comments on “Corduroy Pants Versus The Singing Guy. Who Will Win?”

  1. Snoring Dog Studio says:

    I am falling out of my chair, here! You are brilliant. You are the master and I am in awe. Who would have guessed that an outdated, ratty Goodwill find could have such a muting effect? Don’t stop, please, though I suspect the hideous denim vest might actually send him into therapy. After you perfect this antidote to heinous office singing, you must move on to developing a cure for the office cubicle hopper (the one who does no work all day but wanders around, coffee cup in hand, looking for a conversation).

  2. You sir, are my #1 hero. I have several, but you have outdone all of them this very day. April is far enough away…besides…The Singing Guy sounds pretty clueless. And you simply must use the denim vest first. It reminds me of Kevin McDonald of Kids in the Hall when he was on Seinfeld. And if you know of Kids in the Hall, then you rock my socks even more…

    • omawarisan says:

      The Kids In The Hall…the Chicken Lady, when she made her blind date an omelette out of the egg she layed…I actually had to be recussitated the first time I saw that!

      But thank you! Let me know when your house guest arrives?

  3. You have to do the vest! You have to!

  4. Katybeth says:

    Your evil. I like that about you. I think you should put a phone number on an index card in the pocket of the vest and maybe one earring.

  5. Brilliant my dear sir, brilliant. May I suggest you leave a wad of chewed gum, wrapped in the wrapper in one of the many pockets of the vest? You may have to send it through a wash cycle first. Muhahaha.

  6. Z.N. Singer says:

    You realize you are now committed to ensuring this guy never, ever discovers you have a blog for the rest of his natural lifespan right? Lol.

  7. I love Katybeth’s idea!

    I can’t stop giggling…thank you for livening up my dull Monday morning, Oma!

    Wendy

  8. I voted for the vest because that jacket looked like one I donated to a thrift store years ago. What if Singing Guy is also Photographer Guy in his spare time? You may make him sing more!

  9. Pauline says:

    I voted April! Looking forward to his future reactions!

  10. Hippie Cahier says:

    Personally, I don’t find you all that amusing or the least bit creative or humorous. I’m just posting a comment because I’m a joiner.

    I would like to introduce Singing Guy to Miracle Rose lady at my place. She’s back from vacation tomorrow. I might throw caution to the wind and post the story.
    Gainful employment is somewhat overrated.

  11. pattypunker says:

    that vest is positively creepy. and perfect for the job.

  12. Your plan is wonderfully diabolical–and scary that it works. You might also get a life size cut out poster of Steven Tyler and put it in his cubicle with a big red X. Might be too subtle for him though.

  13. Kim Pugliano says:

    You are my hero Oma. So clever. So awesomely amazing. I want to be YOU when I grow up.

  14. Jane says:

    Bravo Oma! Restraint never fails: wait untill May and definitely use the vest. I think the vest fits in with a character who might wear corduroy pants. It might be fun to develop a “real” person who owns the clothes–someone who might have worn the pants and the vest to a club or at Whole Foods or something.

    I love Katybeth’s idea about putting some information in the pockets.

  15. planetross says:

    Someone I work with always orders freebie copies of textbooks. I wonder if I should follow your example and order some strange ones for her.
    She already has worn corduroy pants.

  16. Abe's Blog says:

    You, sir, are a genius! In addition, you make me laugh out loud, which would look pretty ridiculous right now if anyone was watching me, which they are not. What an excellent and well thought-out prank. I am little concerned about you, though. Who takes the time to think out such pranks? There is something wrong with you.

    But you are very funny!

  17. Todd Pack says:

    I’m impressed that you’re willing to wait until April and would even consider waiting until May. I don’t think I could wait that long. I could go 6 weeks, maybe..

  18. Zahara says:

    I’m voting for patience and tact, so May and the jacket. That vest is mighty tempting, though. All in good time. Please spend another 5 dollars and spray a little hideous cologne on the collar if you really need him to implode.

  19. educlaytion says:

    Plan the work and work the plan. I heard that on Criminal Minds once anyway. Of course strike again as soon as possible! We’re viewing from a distance and will suffer no repercussions for your actions. We just want the next dramatic turn.

    • omawarisan says:

      Also, measure twice and cut once. I don’t know how that applies though. I just like to say it because it sounds like I know what I’m talking about. Maybe not!

      Youre right though, the plan is key. Pace is critical. If he gets another gift too soon it will ruin things.

  20. Omawarison says:

    The denim vest looks like the one Jesus man in my section has.

  21. jammer5 says:

    Dude, you need to get really down and dirty: A woman’s mini-skirt. He’ll quit singing for at least a week.

  22. Rob G says:

    You mentioned the effect on the Singing Guy’s (should guy be capitalized as well?) energy and that he is normally rather well rested after holiday weekends. I suggest you try to time the events around the holidays. Holiday staff at the cleaners could be one plausible reason for the mix ups as well. Good luck, and looking forward to future stories on this.

    • omawarisan says:

      Thank you sir, that is well thought out!

      Also, thanks for coming down for my folks’ event the other weekend. It was good to see you, hate that my schedule didn’t line up to be able to catch up a little more.

  23. dottiemaggie says:

    You have far more patience than I if you’re actually going to wait until April or May!!
    I can’t wait to see the email he may send in regards to that vest…. ;D

  24. savanvleck says:

    Wish my mind could think up such great evil. You should be on the look out for items similar to what he wears, just in larger and smaller sizes for next. And, I am sure there will be a next because he will never learn. It does make one wonder where people like that come from???? Aliens amonst us, like from Mars, not earth!


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