Dear Flesh Eating BacteriaPosted: May 16, 2012
Dear Flesh Eating Bacteria,
I’ve heard a lot about you recently. First you were in Georgia, now in South Carolina. You seem headed toward me.
You’ve arrived on the scene with quite a splash. I’m not usually a fan of anyone who is suddenly popular, but it seems that I should make an effort to get along with you because of your dietary preference.
Frankly, eating me would be a bit of a crap shoot for you. I hope you know how painful it is for me to use the term crap shoot to describe myself. It just seems to apply here.
As people go, I’m not exactly veal, if you know what I’m saying. I think I’d be tough and a bit stringy. Admittedly, no one knows that for sure because I’m not currently a food source for any species. I do know for sure that I am old and gnarly. Stringy is not a great leap from gnarly. I don’t know anyone that likes a stringy cut of meat.
I’m of such questionable quality that the Department of Agriculture has chosen not to grade me. You’ve got to eat, but it’s important to eat a diet of quality food. You just don’t know what you’re getting with me.
You’re a flesh eater, but I’m not all flesh anymore. I had three metal parts put in back in December – a plate and two screws. Those screws have some sharp edges. You would not want to bite into a screw. If you don’t think that’d hurt, ask anyone who has bitten into a toothpick in a club sandwich.
Speaking of club sandwiches, do you know where I find some tasty flesh to eat? Club sandwiches.
There are a lot of fleshy people out there for you to eat. I could give you a list of tasty people to eat, but I’m sure you’re busy eating and traveling and don’t have time to peruse a whole menu of people. Let me make a suggestion of a few of our chef’s specials that we’ve got plenty of:
We have Tim Tebow available. He is a big boy, a generous meal for a bacterial gourmand such as yourself. The nice thing about eating Mr. Tebow is you’ll find that he will say grace for you. You can go right on with the eating!
If Mr. Tebow is not suitable, you could opt for Kim Kardashian or any of her eighteen sisters. In fact, we are having a special on Kardashian – buy one, get one free. Bring a friend, or if you choose, divide into two flesh eating bacteria and take advantage of the special.
There are so many tasty alternatives to eating me.
Enjoy your travels. The southern U.S. is beautiful this time of year. The weather has not gotten too hot yet. It is the best time to be down south.
Don’t eat me, Sincerely,